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Review:marauderfan says:
Hello! Here with your requested review!

First of all, your descriptions are quite good. You've very accurately portrayed the stuffy pureblood clique and the Malfoys' fancy manor, and all the antiquated traditions Astoria is forced to adhere to and hates (like being married off early as if it's the 1800s.)

I appreciated Astoria's distaste for it all - her sarcasm is really fun to read! I think its nice how she and her siblings are all kind of on the same page as far as hating the superficial pureblood gatherings, too. (Speaking of her siblings, you mention that Astoria is the only half blood in the house, what about her brother and sister? Are they her half siblings?)

There are a couple of things you could do with your sentence structure that I think will help the story flow better. First of all some of your sentences run-on a bit, they seem like separate thoughts connected by an "and", for example:

"Will you stay with me and spare me the horror of being alone with Malfoy and his nasty little friends? His ego can grow so big that we'd suffocate." Astoria said and her older brother laughed and she asked slyly, "or are you going to see your girlfriend?"

I don't think the two bits of dialogue need to be in the same sentence. You could try something like this: "...we'd suffocate," Astoria said, and her older brother laughed. She asked slyly, "Or are you going to see your girlfriend?"

Another thing you could work on is maybe clarifying some of the subjects/objects. This paragraph in particular I had to read a couple of times to figure out who the word "she" is referring to - Astoria or Samantha Travers:

Travers... Astoria thought with disgust. That was a name that she had heard quite often from her fathers' contacts, her father was a Death Eater and had had a nasty habit of murdering his wives shortly after they were married to get his claws on their dowry.

Hopefully I'm not coming across as too mean or picky! ;) Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for stopping by with your review, its always nice to get one and so soon too! You're way better than I am when it comes to this stuff, i'm always at least a week late because I'm so busy. :p
Anyhoo, thanks for the compliments! I tried to make this story as detailed as possible so that when you're all reading this, you don't feel as if you can't follow along. And details are great, you're able to set up a scene much better that way if you give alot of information here and there.
As for Astoria's distaste for the life, I had never pictured her as enjoying it. And her sarcasm his hilarious to write so adding that in was just really fun! Her siblings have their own views on it though, her brother is just as disgusted by it as she is and their sister rather likes the idea. Hahahah. As for her being the only half blood, that's only one in many mysteries when it comes to this story. You'd have to keep reading to figure it all out, nothing is what it seems! :D
I know all about my run-on sentences and some paragraphs do need to be corrected, I just haven't had a chance to get to it. Real life sucks! >:(
But I'll get to those eventually.
Hopefully.
Hahaahah.
Anyway, thanks for coming to this and this story is about 18 chapters long, I have no plans in stopping anytime soon! :D
Much love,
Gabbie


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