How I have I fallen so far behind?!? It's so absurd I can't even talk about it so I might as well get right to the review :P
I really liked this angry Sirius. He's got a great Harry-during-OotP feel about him -- angsty without really understanding why. The other characters have shown a wide range of emotion: fear, sadness, grief, love, shame, regret. But Sirius really is the only one who brings any real rage to the table. It's subtle but it's there in his short temper and snarky remarks. So often he's relegated to the playboy or jokester role, and I think there is a lot of that in him too -- a real disregard for the rules and consequences -- but with the anger, it puts all of that other behavior in a totally different light. It goes from carefree to a mask for hiding his true feelings.
Lol, okay. That wasn't really what you mentioned as an AoC in this scene at all. Ooops!! But I do think your reasoning for his anger came through as well. In addition to simply channeling his anger regarding other issues into this one area, he's also being very much a teenage boy here. He has feelings for Belle he isn't able to fully verbalize and process. He's scared how much he likes her and he's acting out. It's perfectly childish and a wonderful addition to his character.
I thought the attack was great, but more than that, I like the perspective you wrote it from. You could have written from McGonagall's perspective, or have had the students more directly involved, but I liked the way this one was kept at more of a distance. Too much direct fighting and it could start to weaken the impact of later battle/attack scenes.
Speaking of this scene, I LOVED Sirius's line: Fine, stick with me and don't get yourself killed (there may be a typo in the line though. I can't tell if I wrote it down wrong or it had the word 'we' instead of 'with'). It makes me think back to that line on the train when James says something to Sirius like, "We aren't going to do it this way." It was so cool and commanding and such a perfect capture of his character. I thought this line did the same for Sirius. A brave but reckless smart mouth, with a hint of some that could be humor or else something much darker. Brilliant!
Oh, and just a random thought. I loved the way McGonagall burst into the hall with the "Get to the Gryffindor tower" line. It was great the way you lulled us into a quiet moment and then BOOM! sent the scene in a totally unexpected direction.
For me, everything about Lily's section was perfectly in character. Staying behind to make sure the younger students were safe seemed like exactly the sort of thing she'd do. Not exactly as dangerous as running into the battle, but a calculated risk where she put others before herself in a way that even the teachers couldn't argue with. And that moment between her and Slughorn was perfect. She really does know how to play him, but in an innocent and harmless sort of way.
Wow! Alrek's creep level just climbed up about 100 points. Until now, he seemed like just another Death Eater wannabe, special only because of the danger he poses to the character we like. But in this scene, it's clear there is something much more dark and sinister inside of him, like maybe he didn't join the DEs just because he believed in the cause, but because he's got some serious craziness of his own inside him and murdering muggles and non-purebloods is just an outlet for it all. Creepy!
My only suggestion on that last scene is to maybe take a second look at the opening transition. It's a little abrupt. And you "lose" the setting near the end. It all becomes totally internal. I like that the scene is short -- like a ominous cutaway in a movie -- but even 3 or 4 lines might just round out the whole thing a tad more. Oh, and the opening to Lily's section. You might want to add the words "the next morning" after breakfast or something. Maybe it was just me, but I was confused for a minute since I thought we were still on the same day as the attack, and I was like, but didn't everyone just have breakfast?? :P
I'm aiming to keep this under the limit so that's it for now aside from typos. I'm so, so sorry I've gotten so behind. I'm really hoping to play some major catch-up in the weeks to come. I want to be able to celebrate with you in real time when you finish the story!!!
-- Just because it was the Valentine's Hogsmeade didn't mean he had to get all dressed up. (Valentine's trip to Hogsmeade or Valentine's Hogsmeade trip...?)
-- He moved the faded, worn pair of jeans to the side and grabbed the newer pair and that didn't look quite so aged. (newer pair that didn't look)
--He rubbed his fingers over face (over his face)
--"Impressive," Belle said as a the passage opened. (as the passage)
-- "Remember Lily," James continued, glancing at her (Remember, Lily)
-- Each second that ticked away with no word on their professors condition. (professor's)
-- Now, please enjoy your breakfast and let the events of the past twenty-four hours serve as a reminder both of the dangers that we face the benefits of facing them together (we face and the benefits)
-- "...I vill be seeing you in Charms," with a wave goodbye, he stood from the table. (he said with a wave goodbye as he... OR ...Charms. With a wave goodbye, he stood...)
Author's Response: Becky! I'm hanging my head at how long this response has taken. I should get grounded. With chocolate. And my computer. yes, that would teach me! :P
That's my thoughts exactly on Sirius. I think too much he's portrayed as nothing but carefree and play boy-ish, which of course is good, but there just seems like there needs to be something else under there. He's been through way more than people his age, and there's no way someone who's grown up in the world he has is just carefree. He doesn't have the same kind of hold on his emotions the way James does. In my head, their bromance sort of balanced. His anger is wild and uncontrolled, where as James's is quiet, silently but deadly. Okay. moving on. Haha. It's almost midnight, so I may be rambly.
I'm so thrilled with your comments about Sirius's anger and the reasoning. That's exactly what I wanted, to show he's scared with how much he's like her and is having a hard time accepting it. Poor guy, such a big baby.
I used to try really hard to figure out whose eyes I wanted a scene through. Which is my own fault for wanting to feature them so heavily. but it's seemed to get easier to let it just play out. I'm not sure if it's always best, but it seems to work okay :P And exactly what you said about later battles and attacks. I want there to be plenty of seriousness in this, but they aren't in the war the way they will be soon, and I want that world to be shocking, not to feel just like it was at Hogwarts.
You're making me so feelsy about Sirius right now. I'm so excited about your comments. I have this idea of him but never know if I really get it through, and you're making me feel like I am. THANK YOU.
Hehehe creepy little Alrek. I'm really happy that he sort of came into his own craziness in this chapter. I've been trying to figure out where I can make that clear, that he's his own little evil, and worried about tacking it onto here. I used your suggestion to add a bit to hopefully smooth his section, and I can't say I'm anything but thrilled that you picked up his more sinister side! And I totally picked up what you meant about him sort of floating off into nowhere land. Haha! Thank you for pointing that out!
Okay, I don't even know if I've made sense. I tried, but your reviews turn me to mush. So, if this didn't make sense, I think we know who's really to blame!
And thank you for the typo!!! One day, I'm going to give you a chapter without even one! :P
THANK YOU ♥