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Review:peppersweet says:
Hi, here from review tag!

This is an interesting start to a story! I like how you've thrown us right into the action, with Rose finding out about Scorpius, and then juxtaposed it with their first meeting. It certainly leaves a lot of questions unanswered and makes me keen to read on and find out what happens.

I think this chapter could do with a bit of an edit - Rose's voice is a little inconsistent, as, at times, she sounds quite serious and the story reads very 'noir'-ish, but sometimes there's a sentence or two that jars with the style. For example, this bit - 'Anyway, The Crappy Auror sticks out his hand to indicate the arrival of the Deatheater as he calls out - seems to chatty and conversational in comparison with the rest of Rose's narration. Something like 'The corrupt Auror sticks out his hand...' might work better. Similarly, with the phrase 'His face, painted with a slight smirk, looks completely unbothered, to be standing there, being publicly sentenced off to Deatheater land.' - Deatheater land sounds far too jokey for the seriousness of the situation.

Also, in the paragraph above that, there's a slight phrasing issue that confused me - 'I can vaguely recognize him as one of the head Aurors who were recently part of the Little Hangleton massacre. - when you say the Auror was part of the massacre, do you mean he killed people, or was involved in stopping it? (and I think the h should be capitalised for Head Auror).

Another bit you should consider revising is in the second half of the chapter, where it says *cue eye-roll* - the asterisks aren't really appropriate in a story like this :P 'I rolled my eyes' would work much better, or even just 'Cue eye roll' without the asterisks.

Apart from that, there are just a few general mistakes throughout the chapter that I'm sure you'd catch in an edit - there's a missing word in '...You're the only one," she dryly' and, later on, there's a bit where it says 'everbody' instead of 'everybody', but those are just minor typos that I wouldn't worry too much about.

Also, although I love the biting one-liner Rose has at the end - 'I need ice-cream. And a gun, maybe.' it seems unlikely that, as a witch, her instinct would be to go for a gun. Maybe a curse, or her wand, or a hex instead?

Otherwise, this is a good start! I like the idea of magical society being plunged into a second rising, and Rose being caught in the middle of it, especially with her fiance being implicated of Death Eater crimes! It'll be really interesting to see how they overcome that, whether Scorpius is guilty or not, and how they actually feel for one another (because they didn't seem to get on all that well in this chapter :P) I also like the idea that Harry's facing conflict within the Auror department - I sense there's a split in the Ministry, which is another idea I love - it'll be interesting to see them overcome that too, and if the Ministry will stay united long enough to stop the second rising.

So, overall, good start, I love the plot! I think you just need to look over this chapter again and work on some of the phrasing, and clean up a few spelling/grammar mistakes. I hope this wasn't too harsh :L

Thank you! ♥

Author's Response: Hi :)

Thank you SO much for this. I really appreciate constructive criticism. So I will definitely not call this harsh. I write my chapters in a hurry sometimes, and I realize that owing to that, I tend to make some errors that I wouldn't usually make while writing. So, I will get to it and edit this to clear up the grammatical errors and typos :)
About Rose's voice. Now that you've pointed it out, I can see how there are some inconsistencies. I guess I will probably tweak it a little. But, I was sort of going for a little dash of not-so-seriousness here and there. Maybe I brought it out in all the wrong places, so yes. I guess I will make a few changes.
I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear that you like the plot :)
I've noticed that fluff/romance really sells. But it's hard to work with Next Gen and Horror/Dark together. However, I like the idea and I will go on with it. It's something different, so let's see how it goes.
I would love more reviews from you if you have any time :)
This was helpful.
Thanks a lot! :)


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