|Review:||Elphaba and Boyfriends says:|
Hello, Elphaba here! :)
Once again, I really enjoyed Sirius' voice while reading this chapter. His ambivalence about the Quidditch match seems very in-character for him. One little Quidditch detail did stick out: "during half time." I don't recall half time being mentioned int he books, so I consulted Quidditch Though the Ages - yes, I am a bit anal tonight :). According to the rules section, the team captain can call time out, and this is the only time that the players' feet can touch the ground. So, I would just change "half time" to "time out." :)
There are some great funny moments, like James' mooning over Lily after the match. I laughed at the image of fully grown James, Sirius and Peter all trying to cram under the invisibility cloak.
I like how you present the incident involving Snape through Sirius' point of view. He's totally oblivious to the ramifications of letting Remus attack Snape. It's hard to be angry at him, since he doesn't realize that what he's doing is wrong, and yet I still want to shake him really hard for being an idiot. :)
Snape's sneering and smirking are certainly in-character. I don't recall him ever chuckling, though; I think he'd be more likely to curl his lip before saying, "Don't think that saying sorry will mean Lupin is safe."
The only dialog from Snape that I have serious doubts about is this: "None of you have ever given me a reason to be nice, so I don't see why I should exchange the courtesy." I think him saying this would be admitting that he wanted them to be nice to him, and I don't know that he ever wanted that - he cared about impressing Lily and the members of his own house. I think his reason for not caring about Remus would be more callous. Remus is a werewolf, so to young, Death Eater wannabe Snape he's sub-human. Why should he care whether his life is ruined? It's worthless to begin with. His dialog could end right after, "Why would I care if it ruined Remus' life?"
I also have doubts about the "merry glint" in his eye. Sirius might be more likely to describe it as a "devious" or even "evil."
I think Snape's inability to speak after Dumbledore's order not to tell anyone about Remus, followed by his insistence that Sirius be punished as well, is spot-on.
I enjoyed this chapter a lot, particularly the insight into Sirius' thought process before, during and after the fateful incident. Great job! :)
Author's Response: Wow this review is so long and helpful I'll try and do my best to address all the points!
I'm so glad that you liked Sirius' thoughts throughout the quidditch match, I detest writing and reading them so that's why this is the first to appear so far :P I wrote this chapter so long ago and really didn't enjoy writing it, I'm not surprised that error popped up, I'll definitely go back and fix it!
Haha those moments were fun to write and it's a shame the story seems to be getting darker on its own accord as it's getting harder and harder to include those.
I'm glad that you liked it, because this moment in Sirius' life always puzzled me and I felt as if there must have been another explanation for it, so I had to intertwine with the Mary storyline. He will be shaken a bit in the next chapter with James ignoring him!
Gah, I really hate writing Snape. I think he's such a hard character to capture as he has all these hidden depths and complexties which no one but himself can understand. I always try and make him out nicer than he actually is because I've read The Prince's Tale when in fact he's horrible here. Your points about it are all so good I'm definitely going to go back and include them!
I'm glad that Sirius appeared in character at least, and thank you for another amazing and helpful review :D