Rawr!! Hey, BookDinosaur, welcome to the archives! It's great to see that you've posted a chapter at last!! :D
I thought that this was a really good start to your story. You introduced Jasmine very well with her rather chaotic thoughts, and she definitely seems like quite the character!! I'm very interested to know how an oddball like her became Head Girl! :)
It was really nice how you showed us Toby's and Jasmine's respective Houses without saying "I'm a Ravenclaw, he's a Slytherin." It was very clear, and you never had to say the names of the Houses, because we could tell!! Very clever!
Are any canon students going to be in this story? One thing I must question is the time period of this story. Is it Next Gen, Marauders, or Harry's time, or is it somewhere in between? In the next chapter, you might want to illustrate that with your fabulous powers of "show, not tell" that you've already demonstrated. :)
Also, I would like to commend you for the very low number of grammar mistakes that are in this chapter. I found very few causes for concern, and that's GREAT, because I'm a registered member of the Grammar Police. (I wish...)
The only problem that I found with your grammar was a teeny tiny misplaced modifier.
It can be found in this sentence: "Walker hasnít been friendly with Peeves ever since Peeves ruined his first kiss with a well-timed water balloon."
At first, I was laughing because I thought, "Haha, Walker is such a nerd that he wanted to kiss a water balloon!" But then I realized: Whoops, he was kissing a girl and they got HIT by the water balloon!! Heh, heh. *sheepish look*
I don't know if you'd care to change the sentence around for a little more clarity, but I thought it was worth mentioning. :)
Anyways, this was a marvelous first chapter EVER! You've certainly come in with a BANG, so I hope that you can continue onwards in the HPFF spirit!
Ravenclaws rule!! :D
Author's Response: Thanks! I really like being on here. ;)
I'm so glad you liked Jaz! And like I said in another review, I'm happy I introduced her well, because to be honest, I didn't know whether I'd done enough characterisation in the chapter. But I'm glad Jaz turned out okay. :)
Ah, I'm so glad you picked up on that! I really didn't want to tell the reader, so I tried my best to show, but I did worry that it was too subtle.
Oh darn, originally I had a canon character in to explain the era, but then marauderfan pointed out that he didn't make sense there so I took him out. I'll get him in the next chapter. The one thing you can say is that it's not next gen, because Dumbledore's there. ;)
Haha, Walker was kissing the water balloon?! That's a new one. ;D I should definitely change that, and maybe I can throw in a name to define the era at the same time.
Thanks so much for a wonderful review that's made my day even though it's 4:30 in the morning. I hope I can continue on with the banging and the HPFF spirit! :D