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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hey Mara, I was really glad to see that you had updated this!

I thought that your description had really improved so much in this chapter. It was really complex and in depth allowing me to envisage the scene perfectly. I adored this line ‘orange and pink mottled sunrise emerging from the dark folds of the night sky’ it was really beautiful and the use of mottled have a raggedy sort of feel to the setting.

I liked seeing Dom after her transformation as it showed a more vulnerable side to her. We’ve only really seen her as the tough Slytherin so far, so it was nice to see her in this weaker form as it made her more relatable. It was nice to see how much Greyback had affected her. Obviously not nice for Dom, but you dwelled on it enough to allow the reader to absorb the full impact of what happened to her.

Your humour in the story is really developing well. The commentary put a smile on my face and reminded me of when Lee Jordan did it. I liked the idea of a Ravenclaw being a bit of a player as that role’s usually left for Hufflepuffs for some reason, so it was a nice change! I liked seeing the quidditch match through commentary as it was different and a lot more interesting!

Ok here I’m going to focus on commas in sentences as opposed to with dialogue. They’re used to break up separate clauses which could stand alone but are chosen to be formed in one sentence. I noticed several comma splices when you join two parts of a sentence which can’t be joined due to them not being able to stand alone.

Here for example ‘when he was done placing gauze over it, and surveyed the rest of his handiwork.’ ‘surveyed the rest of his handiwork’ wouldn’t be a sentence as it doesn’t make sense so the comma before it isn’t needed. You did it here too ‘she wrapped herself in an oversized towel that Liam had left for her, and dried herself off.’ The only way I can think of remembering is whether it would make sense if it was a full stop or a comma. If so, you can probably use a comma, if not don’t put one in :)

Overall I thought it was a really good chapter, you just need to work on a few technical things! Thanks for the shout-out by the way, and I’m so glad that my feedback helps you!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hey Kiana- thanks so much for the lovely review! I'm glad you're liking how this story is playing out!
Dom's got a lot coming her way so brace yourself for plenty of vulnerable!
Also, the Prewett's are two characters you will be seeing a lot of in later chapters (along with Liam). I really liked the idea of two people related to the Weasleys being involved with commentating because other than Luna, it's hard to find a perfect commentator!
Also, thanks so much for the feedback about the commas- i know that's something I really need to work on, and your feedback is always super helpful. :)
i cant wait to read your next chapter soon!
~M


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