Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:DarknessIsMyOnlyFriend says:
That uncomfortable moment where you feel all eyes on you, the moment you go out to buy something like condoms. You described it well. Uncomfortable usually breeds clumsiness. It was a normal experience, funny because you didn't force anything into it.

I like how you made Rose such a popular girl. Seeing as her parents weren't really part of the in crowd themselves. They were known, surely, but not really popular. She is very brazen though, isn't she. Perhaps a bit much? However, I did like how she played on his obviously discomfort.
And Scorpius in Ravenclaw. It makes it more realistic that they would've become friends during their school years.

While the overall story is good, perhaps you could make the scene's flow better by adding more descriptions. Perhaps by describing the scenery a bit more. What did the shop look like, what aisle were they in. But also when you cut to a new scene; you could make the transition clearer by saying. After the shop he went home. Or; a few days after the incident in the shop he was looking out of the window of his London home(or whatever town). And then go on to describe a few more details about what he sees outside or what the inside of his home looks like. Before the redhead pops up in his line of vision.

I expected this story to be more filled with humour, but I like that you gave room to the fluff of it all. It worked well. It was a nice story.

One sentence that I didn't quite understand. "I stare and the strips lying on the ground." I'm guessing there is a typo there?
Where you say; 'I can't let you win anything'. I would perhaps make that 'I can't put anything past you, can I.' It's just a suggestion, but that was the sentence I half expected to be there :).

Author's Response: I was trying to make it as natural as I could. I'm glad that came across properly.

I always find that most people imagine Rose to be fairly bookish, inexperienced when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. I think that there is another side we can explore, so I tried it out here. I'm happy I managed to convince you :)

About the flow, I'll keep that in mind... I guess I was focusing more on the plot and conversations between the two, that I neglected some aspects of the story. However, this is very useful because I'd never have realized it if you hadn't pointed it out!

Maybe I could've made it more humurous, but this seemed more fitting, I guess. I was going for a fluffy, feel-good story with some subtle humour. I hope I got it right! I'm glad you think it worked well here :)

Maybe that is a typo, I should look into it and edit this once. And that line (I can't let you win anything') was to signify that there was a competitive edge there, with Rose suggesting that she got more action than he did. But maybe I'll edit that too, either to make it clearer or to change the sentence.

Thanks a bunch! :)
Your review has been very helpful.

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 639
Submit Report: