Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:SilentConfession says:
Hey! I'm here for your review request!

You have a nice writing style. It makes reading this so much nicer and clear. It's simple but very to the point and it allows me to see everything you're describing clearly. You also have a really great balance of dialogue and description here which is great! It gives the first chapter a very rounded feeling to it. (i would however suggest to work on what you say with your dialogue because dialogue can characterize characters just as much as description and so far it seems quite formal, making the Evans family seem slightly stiff.)

Generally you're flow is really great and easy to read but there are times that you misuse commas and the sentences get really long. It disrupts the flow a bit and takes the reader out of the story briefly. I'd suggest going over it one more time to clear that up.

So far you've played it quite safe characterization wise. I think Petunia might be my favourite because we see the hurt that she experiences loosing her sister, feeling left out and not special because she didn't get any magical ability, and that she really loved Lily at one point. It brings a lot of emotion to your story because with this once thing it tears everything that Petunia knew away from her and she can't handle it.

It's hard to comment on your other characters as it is so early on in your story and you may have other plans for them. But right now it seems like they are this perfect little family and Lily appears almost saint like even as a little girl. It would be great to see you make her your own and give her a twist in her personality. Just don't fall into the trap of making Lily perfect and a wonderful person, she was human after all. What you've done really well though is giving her soul and spirit. You've kept her canon which is great, but as i said before don't be afraid to round out her character as the story continues.

The parents seemed a bit flat to me and although appeared loving and kind they also showed no resistance to the fact that their daughter was a witch. I'm not sure if that would be something that could be easily accepted or believed. To me it made them seem unreal as parents.

You also asked about plot and at the moment i can't comment on it as you haven't give too much about what is going to push this on yet. This is okay as you've just introduced your characters, you've also introduced the fact that Lily is going to have to deal with the loss of her sister, and that she'll miss her family. This is all a great base to start off with and shows that there is a story to tell.

Thank you for requesting me! I hope you found this review helpful :)

Author's Response: Hey! Thankyou very much for the great review.

I have thought my writing style was quite simple (and am rather envious of some of the fantastically talented authors on this site) so it is nice to know that it's nice and that it works, and is not too simple. It is also good to hear that the balance between dialogue and description is great :) I have had a few comments about the dialogue being quite formal and am going to edit to (hopefully) make it better.

I'm glad you thought the flow was generally good. I will go over the chapter again to work on the long sentences and comma use.

I have quite a bit planned for the relationship between Lily and Petunia, and the downfall of it. These plans include Lily being far from saint-like and will hopefully show that it was not all Petunia's fault. I'm glad you liked Petunia - I actually feel quite sorry for her!

I agree with your comments about Lily's parents and am going to work on this chapter to make them more believable.

Thanks again for the review! I found it really helpful :)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 501
Submit Report: