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Review:UnluckyStar57 says:
Hi!! I'm going to review your story now... Here I go!

So... Before I say anything else, I'd just like to say that I think this could really be quite an epic novel, should you ever choose to extend it. I mean, I've never read much AU stuff, but I feel like you're really going somewhere with the red cloak business. It would be cool if you could start somewhere around their fifth year and carry onward to the ending, adding more scenes, more mystery, more... Everything!

I think that would be very cool, indeed!! :)

Some constructive things:

I truly think that you could flesh this whole story out with a little more dialogue. I know that Harry and Ron at the beginning are kind of reflecting back on the events that have already transpired, but you could show them in flashback with greater detail for a more impactful... impact. (Sorry for my anti-eloquence... It's getting late at my house!) Or if you choose to extend this one-shot into something more, you could actually show the scenes as they happen and then have the characters think back over them as you wish them to.

I also would really love to see more gripping descriptions of various elements in the story. For instance, you could go a long way by showing us exactly what Harry is doing in a red cloak, and how he came to be wearing one. That would be really awesome to have some insight on, which is part of the reason why I think you should turn this into several chapters. I'd also like an explanation for why he took Ginny and not Hermione or Ron, his best friends, and for why they don't come back after the war.

Spelling note! "Diregible Plum plants" can be "Dirigible Plum bushes" or "Dirigible Plum trees." (I'm not sure if they're bushes or trees; you might want to look that up on the Harry Potter Lexicon!) I just think it would flow more pleasantly if you declared them bushes or trees instead of just plain plants. Very nitpicky, I know, but hey, that's all I've got! :)

And as for sentence length: Your choppy style is really cool (I'm kind of a long-sentence type, so I admire you!), but sometimes you get just a tad too choppy. It makes it a bit harder to get the description across, and sometimes even the emotion. But as far as emotion in sentence length goes: Try to picture yourself in that particular mood, and think of the things that you would say. Then try to model your sentence structure after the things that you're doing! Sometimes, it's really cool to have sentence length/structure mirror the feelings of a character. It really adds a lot in the way of raw meaning, I think!!

That's all I've got to say about all of that stuff! Thanks for requesting a review from me, and I really do hope that you choose to lengthen this story, if only a little bit. :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

As it happens, I do have a story that would tie in with this that begins just after the 5th year. I pulled it up last night and realized it needed serious work. It might be easier to take the premise and start it over.

I've added a note to add more dialogue, either by flashback or by adding in scenes.

I may have to make this at least a short story to explain why Harry is now wearing a red cloak and how he came to be wearing that the red cloak. As well as why he chose Ginny instead of Ron or Hermione. And why neither Harry nor Ginny returned after the war.

I have fixed the spelling for Dirigible and made them into bushes.

I've added a note to work on the sentence lengths to make it a little easier to read and portray the various descriptions and emotions better. Thank you for the advice on including emotions into my sentences!

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


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