Hey, -BookDinosaur- here with your requested review!
So, I love the way you started off on this chapter with some action straightaway. I think the short-sentences-on-new-lines thing was a good way of narrating, I haven't read many stories like that before, or if I have I didn't like them much, but you managed to pull it off, so well done there. :)
One thing, while they're at the pub (actually, just the fact they all went down to the pub together to comfort Dom) suggests that they are a really close-knit group, but then all Rose's friends abandon her, even Valentine, who can see this guy being creepy. I think it would make more sense if he trapped her while she was coming out of the toilets or coming back from the bar. Still, this is just a suggestion!
I think that your plot is really interesting-it made me want to read more, that's for sure-and I think that you have a really good base for a story here, I really can't wait to see where you take this. Also, there was good foreshadowing in the last line, I really want to find out what happens next.
Rose's character development was good, I can see quite a lot of her personality already. I especially liked how kind she was to the house elf. I mean, I know it's a small thing, but I found it really sweet.
My CC for you would just be to read through this chapter again, I saw some spelling and grammar errors which disrupted the flow of the story abit, but nothing too major.
All in all a really good first chapter that left me wanting to read more.
Author's Response: Hello there! Thanks for getting back to me so quickly, and with such an awesome review too! :)
Thank you! I wanted to really get the effect that the reader was looking in to Rose's thoughts, and I hoped the short snappy sentences might get that across! So thank you for pointing that out!
That is a brilliant suggestion! I think that's a good idea, I'll definitely do that, as it makes more sense. If the group is so close, then I can see why it's unlikely they'd just all abandon her.
I'm really pleased you thought the plot was alright! Thanks! I wanted to add a kind of cliff hanger, so yeah - that's so nice of you! I'm also really happy you thought her character development was good, because I was really worrying I didn't develop her much.
Okay, thanks! I'll go back and edit at some point, and check all my typos! This was such a useful review, and it'll really help improve my work! Thanks so much for such a lovely review :)