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Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there - stopping by with your requested review! Sorry about the delay - my internet has been weird recently, it keeps flickering on and off at times and the pages die occasionally. But, anyway, here it is now!

I didn't like this chapter as much as the others, tbh. It's good how you're pushing the plot on - with the bag by her bed, her tripping over, her first visit to the Hospital Wing, the clashes of culture (particularly with the ankle situation!), the Headmaster, the wand, etc. It's picking the pace up and really giving the reader a load of questions to ask, which is really great. I'm pretty curious, lol.

But, the problem is that I have no idea who Margaret is. You haven't really mentioned her before, and, honestly, before she does something like this, it would be nice to have some idea of who she is - think like Draco Malfoy. We meet him in Flourish and Blotts, before we know who he is, he introduces himself on the train, and then in the first term they have the midnight duel - it's a built-up thing, you know? You kinda need to do that with Margaret, because it seems completely random for her to do something like that. Plus, putting her bag by someone's bed is hardly a particularly nasty thing to do, and it seems an odd thing to do to try and get someone else into trouble. There's no way she could have been sure that Merissa would trip over. You just need more detail and to explain the situation more, I think.

The wand detail was great, as with the historical detail and the clashes of culture, like I mentioned. I loved how she doesn't understand why house-elves can't hold wands, nor why it's acceptable in the wizarding world for ladies to show their ankles, and how she can use other people's wands. I also like how she's using the time in the Hospital Wing to read through her textbooks - though be careful not to make her too good at everything! ;) Particularly with the last sentence. Yeah, she's been working on it for a while, but it took Hermione at while to grasp the spell, so I doubt Merissa would pick it up that quickly and be able to do it just by flicking, particularly with a borrowed wand, when we know from canon that borrowed wands are never as good as your own. Just something to think about!

I liked the inclusion of her friends, as well, with them coming to check up on her and their conversation about Margaret and what's going on. Also, the thing with the wand is very curious. I like how you're gradually expanding your cast as Merissa meets them all, which is a great way to do it - especially since it's through her eyes.

A little factual nugget before I forget: Skele-gro is to grow back bones, not to heal them. 'Episkey' is the spell to heal bones, though you might want to check the spelling on the hp lexicon ;) Since a fracture is a small break, it would be 'episkey' that would be used, not skele-gro.

The flow, as usual, is great, and the pace is definitely picking up! I'm glad to see your paragraphs and things getting longer, and your sentences growing! That being said, don't be afraid of description! Feel free to describe the wall colour, her surroundings, whether it's light/dark in the room, her clothes, etc. You still don't include that much, so there's nothing to worry about! You're not in danger of going overboard ;)

I think you're developing Merissa's character really well, also, tbh. She wants to be good at things, she doesn't want to let her family down, she's blindly accepting things about the wizarding world because she knows she doesn't really understand... I imagine in the future she'll find it difficult to reconcile the two worlds together, and choose which one to belong to, you know? I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this and how you deal with the problems you've brought up! :)

I'm still really enjoying this! Feel free to re-request! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: I agree about Margaret. Another reviewer also pointed out that Margaret just appeared. I went back through the previous chapters to add Margaret in as well as Morfan. While I was writing this chapter, I realized that I didn't have an antagonist for the story.

I read back through that part of the story and agree that Margaret shouldn't really get in trouble for the satchel. I've already started revising the chapter so that Merissa gives her the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, I agree. I've changed how her practice with the borrowed wand happens. Now she gets the pages to dance about for a bit because the charm isn't enough to lift the books.

Again, I agree. I tend to write late at night. I've revised the chapter to take out the Skele-gro and that she was healed using "Episkey" and another spell she didn't hear to heal the sprains.

I've added notes to add more descriptions of her surroundings.

Merissa is going to have a very difficult decision to make given that she is both a witch and the daughter of a duke.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


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