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Review:CambAngst says:
Hi, there! Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.

I liked the subject matter you picked for this story. I haven't read all that much about Gellert and the things that happened to him after the infamous duel in Godric's Hollow. Your vision of his mental state and the affects that his falling out with Dumbledore had on him seemed very well thought out and realistic. I never really thought of Grindelwald as the sort who would feel a great deal of guilt over the death of Ariana, but you sold me on the idea by the end.

The enormous stuffed penguin was a little hard to get my head around in the beginning, but it grew on me as the story went on. You obviously had to pick something that would be appropriate to a young, troubled but very sweet and sensitive girl. At the same time, it had to be menacing in a way. I think the penguin really fits the bill. My main thought as I read was that I wished you had varied your descriptions of the penguin instead of repeating "enormous stuffed penguin" throughout the chapter. Changing it up a bit would have added something, I think. For instance, you could have taken some opportunities to describe the color and texture and shape of the penguin. The look in its eyes or the curve of its beak. For me, anyway, I think you could have added to both the menace of the forest scene and the frailty of Gellert's mental state by going into more detail.

I loved your description of the forest clearing. There have to be lots of secluded, secret places in the Forbidden Forest. The idea is just so... forbidding! I did notice a small incongruity, though. When you first set the scene, you say that the canopy of the trees is such that the sunlight never reaches the ground. But later on, you talked about the shadow of the moon in the clearing. It was hard for me to reconcile the two in my head.

Ariana was such a haunting presence in this. I liked the way that you never strayed into having her be threatening to Gellert in a physical sense. She just makes it apparent that he will never know peace until he comes to terms with what he's done. I liked the parallel between the way that she haunted Gellert, Albus and Aberforth for the rest of their days, each in a slightly different way.

My only other suggestion is to be careful about repeating words or phrases too close together. For instance:

Following his duel with Albus and Aberforth, he quickly packed his meager belongings and quickly Apparated before either Albus or Aberforth could follow him. -- In this sentence you repeat both "quickly" and "Albus and/or Aberforth", which makes it read a bit awkwardly.

“You killed me.” Ariana called out, no laughter in her voice now. A dark shadow grew to stand before him before evaporating into nothing. -- You do something similar with "before" in this sentence.

Otherwise, I thought your writing was really good. I didn't see any typos or grammatical errors. Nice job!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you very much!

Before the challenge, I hadn't thought much on Gellert except that Albus had defeated him in 1945. When I focused on the information presented in DH, it seemed that he had changed drastically from when the three of them dueled. Though I suspect most of the change happened after sitting in Nuremburg for nearly 50 years. :)

I've added a note to vary the description of the penguin. I wasn't certain when I wrote the story if I had to use the exact given phrase or not. It was a challenge to keep writing "enormous stuffed penguin" without adding a stray panda or two.

I've also added a note to fix the moonlight in the clearing. Thank you for pointing it out!

Ariana has such a sad story.

I've also fixed both sentences you have pointed out and will look for others.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


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