Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:SilentConfession says:
Hey! I'm here for your review request

You asked specifically about defining the era properly. From what i can tell - and that's from the A/N at the end that this happened at the end of the first war and went from there. If i had not read the A/N though i probably wouldn't really know where this story was placed. The only thing that you did in the story itself was mention The Dark Lord and Death Eaters. How would you define the era? you could add some more detail in. Who is this person that is stalking her (give us some hints, is it an OC is it canon, why are they so obsessed with following Voldemorts orders, even after he's gone?), you could also ground your story in canon a little more. Mention the outside events a bit. Like in your A/N you said that it's the night Voldemort dies- mention that in your actual story. It would only have to be one or two sentences where you might mention 'even when the Dark Lord fell/was destroyed by a child i knew what had to be done, that the woman had to be killed.' Something along those lines would help us with the era issue. It would also show the insanity of your narrator as well as he has this intense compulsion to carry through with orders even if his side has seemed to have lost at that moment

There are a few other things that I think you could be clearer with - like the person became a vampire? Add more details perhaps to so that there is a little more clarity as the only way i knew was the A/N at the end. I suppose i missed the sharp teeth bit, but i think i took that as a of a metaphor for the woman's anger of being held captive and then stalked and perhaps turned into a cannibal or the whole ending bit was just a metaphor. Either way it's a chilling way to end the one-shot but if you cleaned up some of your description and added a few more details surrounding your characters you'd have a really nice piece here.

A couple more points that i picked up on

- you mention that she's looking at her torn clothing at one point but this doesn't follow with how you described the woman before as her being naked under the robe.

Also be careful with your word choice. Word choice can mean everything in a story and can have a really strong effect on the atmosphere you want to create in your story. You usually use appropriate words to get the feeling across though there were a few times i felt jolted out of the scene by how you chose to describe things. An example would be when you describe you character prancing out into the field after the woman. In my mind i have this image of the character frolicking gaily through the meadow, sort of like a character from a fairytale.

I do think you have an interesting plot here and you describe things well in many respects. How i can see you character in the cell, her bruised and battered body and the animosity of the narrator seems to really spill of the page well. You have a nice writing voice which makes reading your work really nice. Thank you so much for requesting me. I hope that you found this review helpful :)

Author's Response: This review has been more than helpful, you've really pointed out some stuff that I feel stupid to have missed out on. :P. Like you pointed out. I'll develop it more. Both the characters and the ambiance.

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 670
Submit Report: