Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:ChaosWednesday says:
hai! it's Whiskey, a million years late with your requested review :P

hm, well, as a prologue should do, this did draw me in! Two things worked for me in particular:

First, I was immediately intrigued by this sentence: " Because I know him Im sure hes taking his measurements of the room before showing he is alert." It's not easy to give a beaten up victim much depth of character, since it's such a typical (for literature, not for real life, I hope!) situation. I found it interesting that she would try to figure out what he is feeling and thinking. We simultaneously get a feeling for who this boy is and that there is an intimacy between them. Quite honestly, I'd add a few more such details, if I were you, just to intensify the experience.

Secondly, I enjoyed this: "Nott the father of my childhood best friend, his mahogany wand pointed so menacingly at the boy on the floor, that same wand which made bunches of fireworks and stars ricochet out of it on my ninth birthday." It's a very powerful contrast that pinpoints how quickly things can escalate and how easy it is to get carried away without knowing what you are doing and where you actually stand. While she was a child, she wasn't old enough to understand the people she was dealing with, but as she grows up and begins to see more clearly, she is already in way too deep. It's very tragic and also quite realistic. I like that you tried to add a level of conflcit to our narrator - this removes some of the black-and-whiteness that is typical for such stories. If I could offer you any advice here, it would be to, again, delve somewhat deeper into her feelings. She is disgusted now, yes, but was she always? How is she handling the guilt? Or is she so strongly defiant against her family that she refuses to admit that she used to be (and still is) one of them?

Well, as you see you got me asking questions, which means that you have me hooked :P In fact, I'll just go ahead to the next chapter and review that as well hehe

Author's Response: Hello! :)

I'm glad the prologue drew you in, and I completely agree with adding more details! :) It's great to hear you felt the boy had some depth despite his brief and limited appearance, and that you could sense the tension between them. The story basically goes back to the beginning in the upcoming chapters and builds up to this one moment.

I'm glad you can already sense all the contrasts and complications of her world, and how her past and her individual thoughts are confused. She's already in very deep, and trying to escape is really dangerous. Again, that's an excellent point about adding more details, and I'll keep it in mind when I get a chance to edit this chapter! :)

Thank you very much for this lovely review! :D

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 767
Submit Report: