Okay, so this was a great start of a story. It really drew me in - I wasn't convinced to start with, but it just kept getting better! Olivia seems like an interesting character, I liked her friends and now that you've talked about the new Quidditch captain, I can't wait to see what will happen at their first training! I also really love the fact that this is about the marauders' fifth year - about 99 percent of these stories only do year number 7, so that's quite refreshing.
At first, I wasn't sure which one of the marauders I think Olivia will end up with (haha, because I just assume that it's one of them). My first thought was Sirius, but she had a lot more interaction with Remus. So yeah, I definitely think it's Remus. She's already best friends with a werewolf, why not date one too, right?
Your English was great! It's not my native language either, but I didn't spot any mistakes :) I also really loved your descriptions, especially the part about Olivia's home by the cliffs and the ocean. It was beautiful!
I have two things that I wanted to point out. When using hyphens, you shouldn't actually make spaces between the words and the hyphen, like this: "dark – haired". It's supposed to be "dark-haired". Also, you referred to Olivia's sister as their mother's "oldest daughter". I think, when you speak about the ages of relatives, that the correct form would be "eldest", as in "her eldest daughter". That goes for siblings, cousins, etc. I just wanted to point it out, but remember, these are very minor things! :)
So, I really liked this first chapter, the story seems promising and I hope to get back and read more when I find the time! :)
Author's Response: Thank you for your wonderful review. I'm glad that you said it drew you in, as my major worry is that it doesn't keep interest enough. I started in their fifth year because I wanted to really portray the characters' evolution throughout the story.
Yes, you guessed right! But it will take a long time for them to get there, as the story spans 3 years... It won't focus mainly them :)
I feel flattered that you liked the description with the ocean and the cliffs, I feel like it's really important for her character. For some odd reason :)
Thank you for pointing that out! I'll make sure to edit the chapters when I've got the time. I'll also change the 'oldest' to 'eldest' and everything, I didn't know that but it seems veyr obvious now.
Feel free to read the rest of it when you have the time, you don't need to leave a review if you don't feel like it! But it will always be appreciated ;)