Hello, hello! As usual, I'm blown away. You're absolutely right about the content getting stranger, but you shouldn't doubt yourself. This writing experiment is yielding some really spectacular results! This chapter reminds me of a Salvador Dali painting. You have an amazing grasp on the surreal and you paint the scene so vividly I can taste it.
There are some writers that produce words. And you have to read the words. And then there are writers like you, that use their words to create something entirely un-word-like. Your sentences are like vehicles. I don't feel like I'm reading when I read your stories. I feel like I'm watching a scene unfolding in real time. It's pretty amazing what you do, so I think my single critique is that you should doubt yourself less.
Also, you have a real knack for cutting off your imagery at the perfect point. Just like it's possible to under-describe, it really is possible for someone to describe something to death and end up ruining a sentence by convoluting it with too much imagery. Take for example, "The outlines of his face are fuzzy, they’re blurring, and the edges are breaking off into threads of white, wafting and winding away into the smoggy matrix. I have this unpleasant feeling that if I keep watching his face, it will peel away into smoke, shred by shred, right before my eyes." This was just perfect. You brought us all the way to the peak of perfection but stopped right before sending us tumbling over the edge of the cliff. Your descriptions need nothing more and nothing less.
But seriously, to whatever extent you're doubting the direction of this piece, I vote that you quit your doubting this instant. It's really fantastic piece of surrealist art. If only we could hang a story on a gallery wall, this one belongs up there right along with Dali and M.C. Escher.
Until next time,
Author's Response: cypress ♥
gaah, thank you for yet another amazing flattering review :D Some of the praise you gave me is just so omg. I've never understood Dali, and I'm not the most learned in art, but it's just so incredibly flattering that you'd compare this chapter to a painting, a very strange one.
I've never had anyone tell me that my words are not like words at all, but "scenes unfolding" in real time. That bit of your review just honestly made my whole week. I'm ecstatic you like the imagery, and that the sudden turn of events didn't turn you off. I took quite a long break from this story, (too distracted with other oneshot plunnies!) and it's so wonderful to hear feedback like this. It makes me want to be a bit more hardworking and start working on this story again! And I will, definitely, after I complete a couple of oneshots :)
Thank you so much once again for your fantastic review! I am a chronic self-doubter, yes :P I ought to take a class in self-confidence.