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Review:nott theodore says:
Hi!

First off, I love Marauders era and I haven't had a chance to read many recently, so I'm really glad you linked me to this!

I enjoyed this chapter. It could be considered a little slow for the opening to a story, but one thing I thought you did really well was set up the scenery for the reader so that I could see the setting in my mind. There were lots of little details that really helped me to imagine everything, but it wasn't overly descriptive, which was good. A little more sensory detail might improve this even more - maybe you could mention the overwhelming smell of the nail varnish, for example?

I'm actually really intrigued about Mary. She seems like quite an introverted character but at the same time I think there's a lot we can learn about her. I got the impression that there was something she was hiding in this chapter, and I'm curious about what it is. I think I also picked up on some subtle foreshadowing here about something connected with the Slytherins, so it'll be interesting to see how you develop that.

You know, one aspect I thought was brilliant here was your characterisation of each of the girls. I don't feel like we know Mary that well, even though she's the main character, but from what we saw of her everything she said or did she remained in character. Lily was actually my favourite character here, because you've done something wonderful and very refreshing with her - she isn't perfect here. So many stories portray her as a popular, stunning girl who has no problems, and I think the fact that you've clearly shown she isn't that is really great. Are you going a bit off canon with this story, though? I got the impression that the girls were in seventh year and wasn't Lily Head Girl then?

Another element I really enjoyed was the fact that you used names we recognised - Mafalda (Hopkirk, I presume) and Patil. Those sorts of things really help to make the story more believable and authentic for the reader.

As for CC, I did notice a few problems with grammar at times, such as missing commas or semi-colons. They don't really affect the flow of the story but I'd recommend just looking back over it to catch them. It might also help if you try and vary some of your sentences in length/structure and bit more to make this chapter even more interesting.

"Students milled passed Mary and Mafalda" -- milled past
"with some seventh year Ravenclaw’s" -- Ravenclaws

I'm glad I got the chance to read this, and let me know when the next chapter goes up, because I'd like to see how this develops!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hi

Thank you for reviewing!

I get what you're saying about it being slow and i know it is. It was the right place to start the story for me but there is only so much you can do with coming to Hogwarts type beginnings. I'm glad that the detail seemed to make the chapter a little less boring.

yes - Mary. Her characterization is hard to pin down, even for me because I need her to have these more hazy characteristics and seem more introverted and subdued at the moment. it's for a reason and she's like this because of some of the things i've sort of foreshadowed in this chapter. But it doesn't make her very available to the reader. I hope that in the next few chapters she'll become a little more relatable.

I'm pleased you liked Lily. She isn't a saint in this story and I think that she will have a lot of growing and changing to do as the story moves on. I think it's more meaningful if she becomes the person willing to sacrifice herself slowly rather than she has always been that person. That's definitely something i'll be trying to explore with this story.

Sorry, thought i was clear with this but this is their sixth year. Lily isn't prefect. it never mentioned that she was in canon. She will be Head Girl when they get to be seventh years :)

Thank you for your critique. I will definitely have a loot over to try and clean that up a little.

Thank you so much for your lovely review and i shall let you know when the next chapter is up. I've just sent it to me beta so i hope it'll be soon :)

-zayne


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