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Review:SweetInferno says:
Hey, Sweetinferno here with your review,

I find that Ellie is a very believable character and nicely constructed. As a child you made sure to keep her in that ‘child mode’ that many authors seem to forget, an example of this is; ““What gift? I got a few today, but –””. This may be a short sentence but it brought a world of youthfulness to Ellie. Another thing you did well with Ellie was transitioning her personality as a child to a young adult. One thing that stood out to me about Ellie’s personality is that she always has to be right (whether that was your purpose or not) is positive flaw. Positive flaws to me are not, she’s so clumsy, that she’s cute, it’s more of a negative quality that brings life to a character. That is my major advice for a character: ALWAYS outweigh the flaws to the positives.

Dialogue was executed fairly well, but I would like to give a reminder that adding a description after every four lines keeps the reader from getting bored. The only instance I can see of this is when Rose and Ellie are arguing. Something else I would like to mention is that when Ellie and Al where talking I didn’t see much feeling as I would liked to have between the two, so maybe adding in more of what Ellie was feeling would help.

The flow was a little fast, because this first chapter seems to me as more of an introductory setting, so I would like to see a bit more of who’s friends and who’s not. I got a glimpse of the name Scorpios but I have no knowledge about who he’s friends with or what house he’s in when he should be a fairly important character considering he’s mentioned by Chris and Albus. I particularly liked the scene with Madame Cassandra, it helped the story get rolling with the hints It gave to what is to come. It got my mind questioning things, such as; What is Ellie’s destiny? Why is Ellie’s future confusing? What are the trials? What is the danger? Etc. It made me want to read more… which is what everyone wants in a story.

I loved the chapter overall and I think it’s a great start to a amazing story. Just make sure to keep Ellie in character from the first chapter and I think she will be able to carry it the rest of the way through. Hope I was helpful and not to harsh.

Sweet Inferno.
(PS. My name is Isabella too. :) Though I go by Bella!)
PSS. The Preview keeps showing up funky and if it appears that way when I post it I will be sure to send it to you through PM.

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm glad that you think Ellie is believable and likeable! I hate reading stories where I don't like the main character! Writing her as a child was difficult, mainly because I have no idea how children act at that age, so I had to use fragmented memories of when my sibling was that age, and hope it worked out. I'm glad that you thought it did! And you have no idea how much Ellie always wants to be right - well done for picking that up! I am worried about her becoming a Mary Sue, so I'm super happy to see the flaws are apparent already!

I know my dialogue needs a lot of work. I suck at the description part of the dialogue, and so I really like your suggestion about adding a little something every four lines. With practise, it should become more natural, but for a beginner like me, this formula will be very helpful!

Thank you about the flow. I have weird ideas about flow, so I shall keep that in mind - try and pace things a little better for subsequent chapters. And get excited about the predictions - because foreshadowing is awesome!

I shall try my very hardest to keep her in character. Like I mentioned, I am scared of making her a little Mary Sue, but your suggestions have been very helpful and much appreciated! Thank you!


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