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Review:BellaFan202 says:

Oh, man, that was really good! I'm already really enraptured by this story, it doesn't suck at all!

I liked how you just hit the ground running with the action and mystery and kind-of-sort-of romance with "Richard" (who I strongly suspect to be Albus, maybe? Hmm? :P ). I think that Emylina (interesting name, by the way. How did you come up with it? I quite like it.) is very interesting so far, and she seems to have a strong sense of right vs. wrong, and knows that her father is wrong. However, it seems to be hard for her to actually accept that her father is wrong, which is acceptable, because he is her father and that can't be easy for her.

The fact that she's pregnant makes me really nervous, not going to lie, but I feel like it adds a great sense of like, I don't know, adventure and suspense to the story. Well, maybe not now, because she doesn't seem to be very far along, but I'm sure that as the story progresses, there will be a lot of concern with her pregnancy. Unless, of course, the action dies down. But you know. :P

While this is a really good first chapter, I did see quite a few grammar mistakes, such as using "your" instead of "you're", a couple of typos such as "sso" instead of "so", and just a couple of other random mistakes. You seem to like run-on sentences, which isn't really to major, but is slightly frustrating. I kind of flinched a couple times, but that's just because I'm a dork. :P I would recommend either a beta or just reading over what you've written after you've finished. It kind of seems like your brain was thinking faster than your fingers were typing (which I understand, that happens to me quite a bit), so I think if you just read over what you've written, all of those mistakes will be taken care of.

All in all, it was a really good first chapter, and I definitely hope you appreciated this review, and that you'll request your next chapter to be reviewed in my thread!



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