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Review:ChaosWednesday says:
hey! It's Whiskey back with another review!

I liked how this chapter was about the different relationships between the characters. This was quite necessary, considering how many names there are to keep track of :P (my memory is the worst!). It helps to know how the characters connect (or not) to eachother and pushes the reader to become more invested in their lives. And coming back to my ridiculously short attention span, I love how you use the parallel cut style to tell the story! Not only does it make it easier to get through the text, but allows each described event to appear weighty and intriguing. In a more linear structure, much of what you tell might have gotten lost or would have been skimmed through the way filler scenes often are.

Although in my last review I recall expressing some reservation about the way you line up seemingly unrelated events, I'm starting to change my mind about that, especially since there IS a structure...you have three parallel stories running side by side. The flash-back does appear a bit distracting, but I actually liked it. It added something innocent to the darkness of the rest of the chapter and tied everything together, oddly enough. Made me aware of the tragic contrast of the youth and hopes of our characters compared to what they have become. Although it was about only two of them, I felt that, in a way, the flashback related to the entire group. So good job!

In terms of CC, I did notice that you have a few rather awkward sentences where you use more words than necessary, thus breaking the rythm of the text. As an example: "Next to her, Xavier smiles slightly, but his eyes show the same reluctance at the idea of the mission he has just been informed of."

Also: this is actually a common mistake, but at some point you write "Tomorrow will be a long day." when it really should be "the following day was going to be long" or "would be long" since you arent narrating in real-time.

Additionally, I think - not entirely sure - that spells are written in itallics only when they are being cast. I might be completely wrong about thing, though.

Apart from that, I'd like to point out that I really enjoyed the dialogue at the beginning of the chapter and the scene between Camille and the girls. You generally seem to have a much better grip on the female characters - their gestures especially bring these characters to life for me. I haven't noticed the same with the male characters, but I'm sure I'll find more insight into them in the following chapters.

Author's Response: Hi again!

No worries about being confused by the large cast in this story, you're not the first to tell me. I'm really happy you think this chapter helped define them more.

Yes, there are three stories running parallel, though to be honest I'm not sure how long that'll last. Flashbacks are a finnicky thing, and I'm unable to include them all the time because sometimes they just sit there uncomfortably... I'm glad you thought it worked here though!

I am more familiar with my female characters, probably because I'm a girl too, but I'll try to give the boys more screen time.

Thank you for another lovely review!


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