Hello, I'm here with your requested review!
I love the way you started this: "The day was to end in death, but it began with a christening." It automatically sets the tone and gives the story a suspenseful edge.
I adore your character of Alice. Normally, she's portrayed as this adorable, perfect best friend of Lily Evans, but I really like how you've broken out of that. Alice, or M'alice (cute nickname, by the way!), is so quirky and odd, that I can't help but fall in love with her. She reminds me a bit of Luna, and definitely of Neville as well. It's so sad to know that they never saw their similarities, because both Frank and Alice's combination explains Neville's personality to a T.
Alice's love for Neville is so beautifully protrayed here, and I could feel my heart breaking for both her and Neville as the story progressed.
The little side storyline with Marlene McKinnon was interesting too, because it just adds a whole new element to the story, and builds up the tension even before the Death Eaters enter the church, because Alice is already on edge with the situation.
The plot flowed really smoothly at the beginning, and everything felt really natural throughout the christening. I did feel, however, that there was a bit of a jump between the christening and Alice's insanity. Maybe if you added in a bit about Bellatrix's torturing, or something like that, just to bridge the gap a little? Other than that, the whole story flowed rather nicely.
Neville's character at the end is so perfect, and I can't help but feel sorry for him. It really shows the vulnerable side to the poor, awkward boy we see in the first few books, and shows a lot of the sadness beneath. It was a wonderful little addition of depth.
This little section: "Alice found 'time' confusing. Perhaps the boy had eaten a magical fruit which made him grow very large very fast. Or perhaps Alice herself had eaten a fruit from the dream which made her very small, and the boy was the same size he'd always been. She couldn't take him in her arms and hold him now. Indeed, Alice felt very small." was an excellent description of her madness, and really kind of threw everything Alice knew into a bit of a curveball. The description is just excellent.
I love the little bit about one of the guests being a traitor, because it not only explains why the attack occurs, but links it to later events as well. I feel like the "traitor" is Peter Pettigrew, given that he's the only real traitor we see in the books, but I could be wrong too. :P
I do wish you had gone into a little more detail regarding Frank and Alice's relationship, as I feel like there's just so much potential there in the little bit that you described, and I would have loved to have read about it in greater detail.
Overall, this was really excellently done - I'm glad you requested a review, otherwise I may never have gotten to enjoy this little beauty!
Author's Response: Hello! :)
I'm glad you liked the story, and that the first line drew you in and set the tense tone for the story. I really enjoyed writing it and imagining Alice's character, so hearing that she came across well is really great to hear! You're right, she is a lot like both Neville and Luna, and has something all her own as well! :)
The Marlene bit was a spontaneous addition, but I'm glad she fit in smoothly with the rest of the story. I find that adding context and details from the past helps situate stories about minor characters like this, and Marlene seemed to have a story to be part of!
Thank you for your suggestions, they are very helpful! :) I agree, the transition seemed a bit hasty, and I'm planning on adding some more details and anecdotes about Alice and Frank's relationship.
Since description was an integral part of the flow and symbolism of the story, I'm very pleased to hear it was effective and described the extents of Alice's madness. I enjoyed writing the bit about Alice feeling small as well! :)
Thank you so much for this lovely review! :D