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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hey there!

I really loved your description in this story. It was so detailed that it really created a vivid picture in my head and I really could imagine what the forest looked like. It added so much to the story and it’s a definite strength of yours so I would keep it up. This line ♥ ‘the moon’s pale, weak light shimmered in the dust forming a pale, silver mirror.’

Sometimes the wording was a little odd like here ‘One could fancy that the clearing could remember a Dark Event.’ I think it might sound better if it was like this ‘one would fancy that the clearing remembered a Dark Event’ it just made it a little less wordy and easier to understand. Then here too ‘He darted paranoid looks as he fearfully looked around the clearing.’ It might be better if it was ‘he fearfully looked around the clearing, paranoid of others watching e.t.c.’ it just makes it flow better :)

I thought it was really interesting that Gellert had decided to go to the Forbidden Forest, given that it’s at Hogwarts it suggests that he had deeper feelings for Albus than he may have thought and that made me happy as I love Albus/Gellert stories.

I really liked the idea of the ghost of Arianna coming to visit him, that was really original and I’ve never seen that done before. You really caught his emotions at that point as you can sense he wants to supress his feelings of guilt and the idea he may have injured someone but he knows deep down that he did and you really showed his inner conflict well during that encounter.

It may just be me being tired and sleep deprived so I haven’t been paying proper attention to the story but this line seemed a bit odd to me ‘And stared at the enormous stuffed penguin in surprise.’ I don’t remember there being a stuffed penguin before, so it may be a mistake, also it does seem a little strange for there to be one in the forest. Ok ignore me I see that the stuffed penguin does continue to be in there, is there any chance it could be made into something more magical to make the story more authentic or is that the thing of the challenge?

I would have perhaps liked a little more emotion at the reveal scene as you built it up really well with the way Arianna was questioning him and then it fell a little flat, so perhaps add some shouting/facial expressions to make it even more brilliant!

I really enjoyed that, it just needs a few tweaks and then it should be great!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I agree that those sentences need a little more work. I have changed them to flow a little better.

The enormous stuffed penguin is the Thing for the challenge.

I reread the last portion of the story and have also updated to include more tenseness.

This story was interesting to write. Which is part of the reason I chose to make it a collections of one-shots as a wizard or witch becomes dark.

I chose to have Ariana as a ghost mainly because I felt the duel and her death was his defining moment.

Thank you very much!


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