Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:adluvshp says:
Hey! Here for your requested review from the forums!

I quite liked this chapter. It seems like a good start to a promising story. Your plot idea is unique, I have hardly read stories about Sirius Black's daughter. It is also interesting that this is set in the era where Percy was a first year (right?).

Since this is the first chapter, I can't comment on the plot much as you've only just set it so far (which is what one should do for a first chapter so you're on the right track). I'd like to say though that so far it seems good. It has interested me to know how people are going to react to her etc. I also liked how you gave us little details about her life, such as her mother being an author, and her liking cats etc.

Her attitude is also nice, not a Mary-sue as she seems to be straightforward but at the same time a good person. Make sure you maintain that balance of positive and negative in her personality for future chapters too.

The way you've described everything is very fitting too as it does seem to be expressed from the eyes of an eleven-year-old, which is commendable, as a lot of authors write very mature narratives for children and that comes across as unrealistic, but you did good work.

Some CC I have for you is that you should work on your grammar. There are some misplaced punctuation, wrong spellings, and awkward phrases in the narrative which disrupt the flow.

Also, you tend to switch tenses from past to present and back throughout which is not very pleasant. I'd suggest to pick one (preferably past tense as in "I went to class" instead of "I go to class") and stick to it.

Maybe, you should consider getting a beta for your story who could proof read and help you with this stuff. As for your characterisation and plot related CC, I have none to give you as I think you seem to be doing good with those.

Good work so far. You have room for improvement so keep writing =)


Author's Response: Thank you so much for the wonderful review. Percy is meant to be a second year, actually. I'll have to re-look at that scene to see where I could clerify more. As to Grammar, thanks for pointing it out, I know it is my weakness and I'm going to get a beta reader as you suggested. I'm glad that you seem to like the story so far and that Morgane is realistic and not mary-sueish. Thanks again for the review. I'll re-request for chapter 2.

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 731
Submit Report: