Hey there - popping by from the forums with your requested review! :)
I lovelovelove that you've chosen to write about Myrtle and Olive... it's odd because Myrtle actually plays a fairly large part in book 2, but she's nearly almost ignored in fanfiction and beyond... anyway, they're both great, great characters. I love how you've highlighted Olive bullying Myrtle and the differences between them, because we know Olive bullied her and that her glasses, in particular, were mentioned in the books. It's a great glimpse at a small, but pretty major event.
I feel so sorry for Myrtle throughout this, you know, because she's really such a victim in everything. First with Olive teasing her, then with Tom Riddle killing her (whether accidentally or not, who knows?)... she didn't deserve any of it, none of it was her fault, it just happened.
Also, I like how you made Olive react to Myrtle's death. While a lot of bullies tease and ridicule people, it rarely goes so far as to genuinely want that person dead, and I loved how you showed that. In a way, Olive is less vindictive than Myrtle because Myrtle's sole purpose for being a ghost is to weep about how bad her life was and revenge her own death, via Olive, who she sees as the guilty party. But yeah, that contrast between the two of them is really great :)
A couple of things I just need to mention: first, when you change pov, you should put a break, say using ~ or something similar, to make it clear to the reader that you're changing povs. I could follow the text without difficulty, but I did wonder if you were writing in third person omniscient or third person limited, and it was a bit jarring for the flow of the story.
Secondly, you might want to think about checking this over again for grammar. Most of it is fine (and you haven't made any mistakes or anything) but you've used commas a lot and in a few places they shouldn't be used. For example: 'from her sing-song voice, that charmed the staff' shouldn't have a comma because it's still the same clause. There were a couple of other places where the comma should be replaced with a semi colon or a full stop. If you find it difficult to see the mistakes (I'm terrible with commas - I often have to have people point them out to me before I realise!), then you can ask a quick beta to look it over for you to help :)
I love the way you switch povs, as well, to show both sides of the story, and the way that you mention people like Professor Dippet and Tom Riddle telling her that Myrtle was seen talking to Hagrid... of course, we know what's really going on, but it just shows how no one really knew anything, and fleshes out the era it's set in. Plus, Peeves... I loved the inclusion of the song about Myrtle and his teasing her as well. I think people often forget about him, so it was nice to see him have a part in this!
I liked this - honestly, it was really well characterised, a great moment to choose, nice pace, very few mistakes... it was a great one-shot! :)
Author's Response: Hello! I am so so sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your review, every time I remembered I had to I would get distracted and forget again!
Minor characters are my favourite as there is so much to explore and gives me great freedom to write with.
I consider Peeves to be one of these characters too, he's so much fun to write, especially his songs!
Thank you for the tips on the story break and the commas, admittedly I don't really check my story too carefully for mistakes after I've written them and I know I should!
I really appreciate the time you've taken to write such a thoughtful review and I'm glad you enjoyed the story :)