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Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there - just stopping by with your requested review! :)

First off, I really like your OC. While she does have an odd name, you've got through an entire two chapters without really focusing too much on her appearance, other than her eyes in the first chapter, which is great! She seems kinda spunky, nice, curious... all good things. Just remember to include bad traits (i.e. short temper, stubborn about things she isn't right about, slow to change opinions about people, easily irritated, etc.) in the future, but what you've got is a really good start. I like the fact that she's muggle-born and her brother goes there as well, so she has expectations about Hogwarts even though she wasn't born into the Wizarding World herself - it's a nice way to do it and combine the two, I think. Plus, it's more believeable than her being a second Hermione and reading all of the books in the month before she goes to school - she could just have borrowed her brothers.

Your pace in this is lovely, too - it's a good, medium-type pace, which fits very well with this story. If anything, you could perhaps do with a little bit more description (what colour dress is Astoria wearing? What colour robes is Draco wearing? What does the station smell of? What can she hear? that kind of thing, you know...) here and there, particularly when your character is introducing us to new places (or, at least, places which are new to her).

One thing I would say is maybe consider getting a beta or the first chapter beta-read. There aren't too many grammar/spelling mistakes (they don't really disrupt the flow of the story or take away from it) but some of your phrasing is a bit off and that's not really the kind of thing I can help you with here, unfortunately. Also, since this is in first person, the italics seem a bit unnecessary - and that does detract from the story, because it upsets the flow.

On the other hand, I really like your style. I like that it's kind of choppy and stop-start, you know, it suits the first person and the character - which, since it's meant to be her unique voice, is really the point ;) It's a very friendly way of writing, which I think is good.

One quick factual thing: Ollivander doesn't make wands with Thestral core and the only known wand to have a Thestral core is the Elder wand, so you might want to revise that. I don't know if it's important for your story or not, but it's a bit odd for her to have one, all things considered. Plus, I think you probably meant 12 inches, not 1.2. And numbers should always be written out in stories ;)

Oh yeah, one other thing: would she really know that much about trains? I feel that if all of that information is stuff you're going to have her notice, then there needs to be some explanation for it. Does she like trains? Does her brother like trains and he told her? Personally, I think it would be a very unique hobby/thing to like if she did...

But yeah, there are a couple of things to work on, but none of it is really that much of a problem. Your characterisation is good, your flow is good if disrupted occasionally, I like your style... all in all this is a pretty good start! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Thanks for you review :) It actually feels quite good when someone writes this big response and appreciates your effort.

The name of the main character is quite odd but it's the one I felt would be the interesting. There isn't much focus on her appearance is because she doesn't actually care that much about how I person look like or his reputation is, which she had said in her words 'mom told me never to judge a book by it's cover.'

Her bad traits will be shown in next few chapters. As it is said that she like reading but she is not nerd or should I say a know-it-all like Hermione.

I really love your suggestions and would really to exercise them in future.

Her use of a wand with Thestral is important which would be found out in the story later.

I haven't shown it but I have some kind of fascination about the trains which I have tried to show in the chapter but I guess I have not been that much successful in that.

I would try to lessen the italics if you really think, they need to be reduced as they disrupt the flow of the story.

Thanks for liking, I hope you would review in future :D


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