Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:lemonpeeps says:
opening: great

second paragraph workers? maybe journalists, writers, editors be more specific.

expand about the warlock, where did she have the interview, was she eating anything then? What was he wearing? Show me exactly what happened.

in stead of showed annoyance, I think" made a face at Tabitha for interrupting her" sounds better

Also I really hate the describing people as wallflowers. It's probably a personal thing because so many people in the world are in love with Perks and Emma Watson. I just think it isn't a very good word to describe people anymore. It's lost its meaning. You should come up with a more specific description. What makes her a wallflower? Put that into words.

Also expand on Rose's regretfulness about not going out when she first decides to not go. Create a contrast to really emphasize how she does want to go out but thinks better of it "Even the idea of a firewhiskey and a large basket of fries was delicious, blah blah blah..."

Also at least where I come from thunder comes first in the storm, you can hear the thunder before you can see the lightening when a storm is coming so I don't know if you want to change that.

Marching footprints i just imagine a person walking quickly but not really having loud footsteps, I'd change it to thudding or thundering footsteps.

I do the same thing, but you write with very small paragraphs. This really isn't a real problem its more of a stylistic problem. Writing with short paragraphs isn't very conducive to producing long elaboration and description which would really take this chapter off the ground. Your writing is very good, it just needs to be beefier. I suggest going back through the paragraphs and really finding areas that you can think of that add description (show not tell remember) and I think that will make a huge amount of difference. If you added maybe two lines to every paragraph, you'll have one nice long juicy opening chapter. A good way to do that is by asking yourself so what to everything. So what she wants to be her own person? what good will that do her? (you'll have an answer and so write that down) So what she wants to stay behind? Why is that important? do you feel me?

I hope this is what you wanted! Of you want me to rereview this chapter after you've edited it just rerequest it and I'd be happy to! Looking forwards to see what you have to say! You have a really good start and I'm excited for you!

Bonne chance,
lemonpeeps

Author's Response: Wow! This is possibly the most useful I've ever gotten. I had so many issues with this chapter and I couldn't figure out a way to overcome them and you've helped me so much :D Thank you so much!

You've really shown me where and how to develop vital parts of the story and to make it better, and it's helped me so much. I tend to forget about description a lot, and that's probably my biggest flaw when it comes to writing yet your suggestions have showed me that there is an incredibly easy way to go about.

I like the idea of questioning myself when writing, because I know the details in my head I just fail to put them down in words, so that's a really great idea and I'm definitely going to use it :D

The word changes are a great idea and I'm definitely going to edit them all in, well, in fact, I'm going to include all of you suggestions as they were all so great.

I don't particularly like people being called a wallflower and I really hated using it too, as I didn't know what use in place but I'll expand upon it and think of another way.

Thank you so much for this fantastic review, it was so useful :D

-Kiana


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 753
Submit Report: