Hey there, here with your requested review! Also, it's good to see you back around the forums... ;)
First off, I think this is a brilliant idea! It makes a lot of sense for Harry to have something in his office which links to the war, etc. kinda like a Pensieve, maybe, where he puts all of his memories of the war because he finds them difficult to deal with... I dunno, just an idea, lol, but I really like this! I like how it's an orb, not a time-turner, because honestly that's what gets a bit old for me.
Your characterisation is so good! I like how you've chosen the Next Gen kids we know are all about the same age and how it's just them messing around and being curious - coz kids are always curious! Plus, Albus is actually kinda funny - don't know if you intended him to be - what with him getting annoyed/bored at Rose for jabbering on about OWL results and suchlike. Hugo is probably my favourite, though - he's seems so shy and sort of obedient. I'm pretty curious to know what you're going to do with him over the course of the story.
Description-wise... yeah, I'd say there could be a bit more description here and there. Maybe describe what they're wearing, habits they have (like tugging at a jumper/top or something...) since Rose is obviously nervous, the decorations of the room they're in... honestly, you don't need much because this is pretty short and fairly slow-paced, but a bit more might help readers visualise the scene more easily.
The sentences and flow I thought were fine. Because you're writing it in first person, it works. After all, Albus isn't going to think in the style of Dickens, lol. So yeah, I think it works. It helps keep the pace up as well. The flow is fine, tbh. It's not choppy at all, and the way it is at the moment works really well with the style you've got and the first person.
No Brit-picks anywhere... and the spelling/grammar is flawless too - though I think there might have been a missed word here or there (like 'a'), but it doesn't really matter ;)
One thing I would say is that it was a bit odd having Rose and Al sitting on a sofa and then Al suddenly noticing a blue light coming from his dad's study... it seemed a little random. Maybe you could either include him having seen it before, or them walking out of the room and into the corridor? It would make more sense that way, I think, and make it feel a bit less random :)
I really enjoyed this, though. The plot is brilliant - I love the idea that they're going back to their parents' time and in the middle of the war. It'll be interesting to see how they cope with it all... the characterisation's great and your flow is perfect. Feel free to re-request any time! :)
Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review! :D (And so quick!) Haha, I've been lurking around the forums previously, but I don't think anyone noticed lol.
Wow, I love your theory on the orb! Whether or not that's really what it is, you'll find out...;) And I completely agree with you about the time-turners, they've gotten old for me too! (Especially since it's been clearly stated in the third book that they were all destroyed!)
I'm glad you liked Al's characterization and Hugo! Hugo might not seem like a very bold character yet, but he'll get his chance to shine soon, haha. :D
Yeah, description is definitely a major weakness of mine. I like your ideas though, so I'm definitely going to add in some more details on what you've mentioned when I edit. :)
I'm glad the sentence structure was fine! and you're absolutely right--Albus doesn't think like Dickens. :P
I see what you mean--my transition seemed a bit abrupt, didn't it? Again, I'll probably edit that.
Thanks so much for the in-depth, wonderful review. It means a lot. I will definitely re-request soon! :D