Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there! Stopping by with your requested review! :)

Okay, first off, I love the fact that you've chosen to start this after the war. It's obviously a difficult time and most stories/authors don't want to try and deal with it because of that, so kudos to you for doing it ;)

You said about the switches between pov... first of all, I'd get rid of the 'Harry's pov' things and just use a line break. It really jars the flow and takes away from the story itself, you know? The first paragraphs after you switch povs always need to make it clear who you're talking about - you do that pretty much all the time at the moment, it's just something to remember :) I'd say the only other thing about pov is to consider how they view themselves, not how others view them. For example, Ron wouldn't necessarily consider himself emotionally stunted, Hermione wouldn't consider herself bossy, etc. Honestly, the povs are pretty good, and I kinda like the switches - it means we get to see more of what's going on, even if it can be a bit choppy at times - but it would help individualise the 'I', if you know what I mean.

Brit-pick wise, there was only one thing I could find, which was that a 'stroller' in America is a 'buggy' or a 'pushchair' here. Also, I'm a law student so I have to mention that if Cora and Sirius never got married, then she isn't his wife and forging a certificate is fraud. I don't know if it's a big part of the story, but if they never got married, then she's not his wife and isn't 'Mrs Cora Black'. It's just a factual thing, but it makes it a bit confusing if you say they're not married, but they are... either they are or they're not, you know? I'd just clear that up ;)

Your characterisation is great! I love how you're writing Ginny - with the whole 'must-be-strong' thing and hiding her emotions... and Ron is pretty great too, being a bit clueless and then occasionally serious and everything...

I liked the mention of the funeral service and the trio sorting out things that they needed to do after the war - like telling Luna about the Death Eaters going for her dad, and Harry and the others thinking about all those who had died, and Kreacher... the only thing I would say is that I'm not totally sure they'd put a graveyard in Hogwarts' grounds? O.o I just think a school isn't the best place for that - after all, it's populated by teenagers with access to ink and spells... I love the way you mentioned the differences between magical and muggle memorial services and funerals, etc. I'd never really considered that before, so it was a really nice touch.

I'd just suggest maybe going through it again (I know you've edited it!) perhaps with help of an online editing program (I use EditMinion, and it's great - and free... :D), to pick up on missing words/typos, etc. There are a few places where it doesn't flow smoothly, and it's easy enough to fix! It's just a little thing, though ;)

So yeah, I really enjoyed this! I think you're doing fine with the povs, the plot is great - and starts at a really interesting point in the HP world - the characterisation is lovely, and the flow is pretty good, too. There's no real weakness here... :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: HOLY MERLIN!! I DIDN'T RESPOND!!!
NJIUFGOINGSIUNGISUGNUSG...
(sigh, headbang)
I'm so sorry, please don't hate me, it was one of those late night things where I read it, was sooo happy, and fell right asleep with happy review thoughts...

Anyway! Yes, it is harder than I thought to pick up where she left off, but I love my idea even when it's slow going.
The only thing about dropping the POV's is that I have no idea how to do a line break... maybe I'll pm you about that lol.
I'll definitely consider more how they would actually think of themselves. Though I think it's very possible they could think of themselves that way, it is their personality.
Thank you!! I knew there was a word for stroller! I will definitely go back and get that.
Hmmm the Cora 'Black' issue... Well, I've been meaning to revitalize my Sirius Black story, so I can't see why I can't make it legal :)
Thank you! I am absolutely loving writing Ron and Ginny :D
lolol they didn't put a graveyard there, it's just a memorial service and maybe a statue, I think they'd actually keep it near Dumbledore's tomb.. maybe something else to clarify.
Thank you again for this review it really did mean a lot!
I swear I'm not normally like this with reviews, I normally jump all over it lol. Total fluke.
Really, thank you so much!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 213
Submit Report: