Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:academica says:
Okay, here for review #2 for the Review Battle!

I think something that would really improve this story, and this chapter in particular, is a deeper, more developed characterization of Hermione. Right now, I see a lot of things about her that are contradictory. That's not necessarily bad, since people are naturally complex, but I think you should add in more detail to explain her choices. For example, I had a hard time picturing Hermione from canon deriding Hufflepuff--though I could maybe see her making a comment about how Cormac's determination makes him fit for Slytherin, in a moment of panic. Her reaction to the kiss was confusing as well; it's a little cliche and unrealistic for someone to really hate someone else and then feel overwhelmed with passion when the other person kisses them. The Hermione I'm familiar with would be pursuing assault charges after everything Cormac did to her, and she definitely wouldn't be going to Slughorn's party with him. It's a good move to try to make the characters your own, but your story will stand out as stronger if you try to provide clearer motivation for their unorthodox actions.

That said, there were several things I noted that seemed like pure Hermione to me, which I loved. For one, I think it's totally plausible that she wouldn't tell Harry and Ron about Cormac because she didn't want to start trouble. I also liked how she gently woke Neville and sent him to bed; that was compassionate and rather motherly of her.

In a similar vein, Cormac's behavior there at the end was confusing. Why go so far with Hermione physically throughout the day and then suddenly back off? It seems like her protests didn't really bother him that much before, so I don't understand the sudden change of tune. It's fine to slow the pace down and really take some time to develop your characters and their interaction with one another. In fact, it helps to clarify their decisions.

I noticed the same thing I pointed out about the tenses happening again in this chapter. I just wanted to mention it as a reminder to you, if you want to change it.

As of now, it's hard for me to decide if I would like Hermione and Cormac to get together. I don't feel as if I know them well enough to make that decision. I definitely do think this story has potential and it would be interesting to return to it later and see how I feel about the pairing then.

Hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks again! I would have to say this is not my best chapter by far. I just kind of wrote it at like 12 am without really thinking about what I was writing and never looked at it again. I'm probably going to go back and rewrite most of it this summer because of the contradictory characterization and tense problems. Normally, I'm very conscious of my tenses, but I didn't pay attention very well on this story. >.<
Thanks again for your lovely reviews! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 487
Submit Report: