Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:academica says:
Hello! This is review one of two for the Review Battle!

This was cute. I thought it was funny how Hermione said her dress was pink and, as such, she figured Cormac wouldn't have trouble matching her. He must not be so macho after all! I like, too, how she tries to be independent and make her own decisions about her romantic life, though she clearly still carries a torch for Ron.

Two nitpicks--

I'm embarrassed to say that I can't quite figure out if this is meant to be a parody or not. If you were going for a parody, this line: Cormac is a very attractive bloke though, with his curly golden hair and chiseled features, and probably solid abs and body to go along with his pretty face because of all his Quidditch training... well, it's perfect. If not, I'd consider taking it out or providing more of an explanation as to how Quidditch would produce such a perfect physique. It's just a bit cliche is all.

The other thing is just that I noticed a slight tense change from the first part of the chapter to when Cormac showed up. Hermione was talking in present tense ("Ron is being..." "I hope...") and then she switched to past tense ("He exclaimed..." "I nodded..."). I would just choose one and go back and make the whole chapter be in that one tense, or maybe use some kind of flashback at the start.

I'm worried this review is going to come across as harsh. I certainly don't mean for it to do that--just trying to be constructive and provide some feedback. I'm going to go on to chapter two because I'm interested to see what the party will bring :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: First of all, thanks for the very detailed review! :) Regarding your first nitpick--yes, it's a parody of sorts, kind of portraying Hermione as a bit more shallow than she should be while still retaining her independence and courage.

Ah, tenses. I haven't looked at this since March, I think, so it needs editing. At this point I just wanted it up and out there to give me time to write more of Love Makes Me (awful, I know right?). I will go back and edit this during the summer so that should fix it. :) xx
~MadiMalfoy


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 801
Submit Report: