Eeep! I can't wait to see where this story goes! Victoire is one of my favorite characters to read, but I never get to see her as a child since she is the oldest. Writing children can be so difficult, but I could totally relate to Victoire's feelings about being the eldest child and how you showed her insecurities.
I'm really interested to see where this goes and how Victorie develops through whatever other short stories get added to this collection. This was a really good starting place for wherever you take her character, though, because I really got to know Victoire and her relationship with her cousins! I got a little lost when she crashed the bathtub, however, since I wasn't sure who was lost or what happened exactly. I felt really confused, which both worked well to make me feel like she would have felt, but I also feel like adding some more background information on how she crashed, why she kind of forgot her siblings, and why the adults weren't really involved could help clear things up and make this even better!
One of my favorite parts of the chapter was when you talked about Teddy's hair, since you branched out from the usual looking like either Remus or Nymphadora. I love how the colors his hair turned both matched what was happening as well as the situation! His blue hair helped me picture the water and the light cheerful mood at the beginning of the story really well, but when his hair went amber with his frustration at not being able to start the fire, I instantly felt his frustration.
I didn't notice too many errors - other than the confusing bit with the bath-mobile crash, I only saw one other little error: In the line "I thought you were meant ot be looking after the young ones," at the end, you have "ot" instead of "to." Other than that, I really liked how this flowed and think it's a great start!
Overall, I think your description in this is definitely my favorite part! It's so vivd and I can always picture the scene in my head and really feel what's happening because of it! I loved how you used the "cloak of navy" because I could totally feel the depth of the darkness and thought the wording really drew me in too. From when she was really showing her eldest child leadership to when her insecurities were gnawing at her and making her face go red, I could always understand what Victoire was feeling!
Overall, I'm just green with envy over this and had a blast reading it! Let me know if you post another section - I'd love to read it! :)
Author's Response: Awh thank you! This review is so sweet, detailed and lovely! :)
I'm glad you enjoyed it - I thought Victorie was a really interesting character to write about, seeing as she's the eldest cousin, and often paired up with Teddy. I can totally empthaise with her too, I often had/have to run around after my cousins! Thanks for the advice, I totally agree - maybe if I added like a small paragraph about how they crashed and stuff it might clear things up a little :)
I'm fascinated with the idea of having your hair/eyes/main facial characterisitics changed, so I had immense fun describing Teddy's hair, seeing as I'd love my hair to change colour as well. I'm really pleased you picked up on how it changed according to the situations, and it was awesome fun to write about! Also, I'll go back and edit the 'ot' thanks for letting me know!
Awh that's so nice of you! I tried really hard to set the scene and stuff, to try and make it more realistic and paint more of a scene in the readers head. I wanted the reader to emphaise with her as well, because I think Victorie is often portrayed as bossy, and I think she actually had to adapt and become bossy in order to cope with all her cousins!
Thank you so much for such a long awesome review, it's so useful to know what you think, and I'm really looking forward to reading yours!