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Review:StEpH_M says:
Hey there,

I'm here with your Reviews :)

Okay, first thing first is believability. It's a good twist, a like the thought of a wizarding child being able to do that little bit extra. In that sense, it's believable, if wizards can speak Parseltongue or Metamorphmagus, why can't they see the dead that didn't come back as ghosts that roamed Hogwarts and houses they were connected too? I have a few things that you might want to consider in order to make it more believable. One thing, why five? What is the importance of that? Most gifts that aren't from birth usually present themselves around puberty, it's the change that causes them. In my opinion that might have been a better time, a five year old wouldn't really be able to keep such a thing a secret, no matter how hard they tried. It's a thing as a child, especially one so young, they like to brag and gain respect from their friends, secrets can get forgotten when it comes to that. Another reason I'm not sure about the age is because what sort of Grandmother would tell her grandchild about the dead when they couldn't really understand the importance of the gift? It's a great burden to lay on a five year old. Most grandparents would try to avoid the conversation as much as possible. Otherwise the rest is rather believable and could lead to a really good story. Especially with the medium side of things going on.

Right now onto the flow, overall it's really good, the parts of the story you have going on really bring depth to story and I always find it good to start off a story with a small explanation of what exactly is happening in the Main Characters life, stating from the start that she is a medium of sorts is really good and it draws you in. It helps to make sure the rest of the story is interesting and will lead to a good plot and theme. One thing I would watch out for is the chapter being disjointed. The way it's set out does bring an understanding about the main character but it also makes the story a bit confusing. From what I can tell, it's because it takes a little to realise that it has changed times. You have to read the first sentence of the next scene in order to understand the change and that can disrupted the flow. A lot of authors use ** or ~ in order to separate times, this way the reader knows that the next scene is either set before or after the one that played out before it.

Your characters are rather good for the start of the story, already your main character, Ellie, has a lot of depth to her. It's already clear from the first chapter that although Chris and Ellie are twins they have a lot of things that are different, and yet the same. It's nice to see that aspect of a brother/sister relationship, especially one between twins. I hope that continues throughout your story. You also have a good start with Albus and Rose as Chris and Ellie's best friend but I believe that you should give them a bit more depth in the common chapters in order for your readers to relate to them more, it's important that the people that read your story can connect with not just the main characters but the minor or reoccurring ones as well. I know I have a habit of skipping large chunks of story if the character they relate about isn't someone with a realistic personality, i find it hard to read. Another thing you should watch out for is cliche, you have a new twist on it, with the medium side of things but you will need to watch to make sure that the relationship between Albus and Ellie. There are a lot of Hate/Hate turn Love/Hate to Love stories on the archives and you need to try to at least make your story different to the rest.

There was only one part that I really had a problem reading and that was basically the first five lines. Something about them doesn't seem right, like it's disjointed and slightly jumpy. I think it might have something to do with the way it's structured, you start with Ellie's voice talking about it, but instead of actually going straight into the ghost part you try to make it a bit more amusing, like she's talking to the reader. This can be good through out the chapter and such but I'm not sure it's perfect start for a story, it sort of pulls away from the important fact that she can see ghosts, making it seem a little less important then it actually is.

Overall, it's good start to the story and I am sure it will just get better as you continue to write it. :)
I'm sorry it's so long. I have a habit of talking too much.

~ steph

Author's Response: OMG. This is so long. I love it so much. Like, you have no idea.

You raise quite a few good points, actually. There is sort of a reason why I chose five as an age, and the thing about grandparents makes sense, but that's something that I want to underscore about the ghosts - they can be super weird. More shall be revealed! However, I like to think that Ellie's been able to keep this secret for such a long time actually reveals something about her, but I can see where you're coming from with five year olds not being able to keep their mouths shut, especially about secrets! Hmm... I shall have to see how to work with this...

I know the flow could do with a bit of work, so your suggestions are much appreciated! I shall endeavour to see about those annoying sentences and try and make the time jumps a little smoother.

My biggest fear really is that I'll neglect my minor characters - something which I have already done in another story! Thanks for the tip! You're right in saying that minor and recurring characters also need to be liked, otherwise the story can seem very one-dimensional and a little vain. The romance is cliche, I know, but I do love a good cliche! However, I really don't want this to be about the romance, so I'll try to make sure that the cliche remains as toned down as possible.

Thanks for the wonderful review! You were quite helpful (I haven't received many reviews critquing this story, so this was really nice)!


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