Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:ShadowRose says:
Hi there! I swear, I'm usually more timely when it comes to reviewing, but exams have kind of killed my R&R time.

Anyway, I really love how this story starts off, because it's clear that there's something a little odd about Charlotte, and I really wanted to know what it was, and why she felt so helpless.

Jumping straight from the first line to the last, I really loved how the chapter ended. The statement is extremely effective and really sums up the chapter, and shows how concerned Albus is about her. I love when chapters end like that, where it's not necessarily a cliffhanger, but it's also not just a simple cut-off ending either. :)

Now that I've addressed the beginning and the end, I guess I should probably focus on the middle section, shouldn't I? :)

There are a couple of flashbacks in here, which are really crucial to the story. For some reason, flashbacks are really difficult to place into a story without making it seem disjointed. One thing that I'd suggest, more so with the first flashback than the second, which already has this, is a sentence of so that connects the flashback to the present events, so that the reader doesn't feel like the whole story suddenly shifts.

Charlotte is definitely an interesting character. You can see how she is really trying to be normal, especially around Albus, but there's that nagging anxiety - it seems almost like an OCD, what with the four obsession - in the back of her mind. You definitely did a good job in building the tension as Albus was watching her in front of the door, and she was trying so hard not to tap the doorknob. It really made her situation seem so much more real. Looking back, I noticed that she tapped it earlier too. Gosh, I love when writers throw things like that in there, that don't seem significant upon the first reading, but do in the second or so on. Wow, that was quite a bit of a tangent. Oops.

I like Albus too, because he's both concerned for Charlotte and Granny, but he's really a funny kid too. I loved when he looked Granny up and down and the ensuing jokes, because I just thought it was perfect. He already seems like a good balance for Charlotte's personality... which I guess makes sense, given the title.

One more thing. I really love the repetition you've got going on with the "Four more years." It kind of instills a sense of desperation and shows the origin of Charlotte's obsession with the number, and it works really well.

There's a few grammatical things, but nothing major. One thing that really helps me personally is reading the story out loud. For some reason, people generally hear mistakes in that kind of stuff better than they can see them.

Overall, this is a really great story idea, and I'm intrigued to see where it goes next! :)

-ShadowRose (Taylor)

Author's Response: Hi Taylor!

I am so glad I posted on your topic! You are such a helpful reviewer. I'm happy you mentioned how something just seems a little off about Charlotte in the beginning because I really wanted to make sure that it wasn't just blatantly stated at the start of the story that she has an anxiety disorder. I wanted it to just become apparent smoothly...does that even make sense? Mmmm I've done a lot of flashbacks in the story already and now I'm ready to go back and make sure they flow because of you! I'm pretty sure most of them don't right now. Oops.

I love how you caught that little detail with the doorknob! I like it a lot too when writers do that. Ah the title...that's one part of the story so far that I'm really proud of. Is that weird? haha. I'm so thankful for your review!!

-Avis12 (Sam)

And now I'm off to respond to the next one :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 346
Submit Report: