Sorry for getting to this so late but I'm here.
Characterisation: My main problem is Ally, I'm sure she's a great girl but no offense or anything, I just don't like her. She slept with three different men on three different days, one after the other. As much as I want to pity her and feel sorry for her, I can't. She brought this on herself, she should've known better than to get drunk at all of the party's and by extension, she should've known better than to have coitus.
She can't exactly blame anyone else for what she did and she can try but she could at least come up with something more than just "it's their fault for throwing the party." She's sixteen, she should know by now that you are not in your right mind when you're drunk.
She's being incredibly dramatic and, honestly, really whiny. She's not nearly as freaked out as she should be about the fact that she's pregnant. I know that if I was me, I would've flipped out for weeks on end before getting myself together and figuring out a plan.
I get that she's pregnant, really, I do but when your sister is crying about the fact that she got dumped by her boyfriend, I would not suggest turning her problem into yours by bringing up your pregnancy. I would suggest talking about how the guy wasn't worth it and comforting her and then cracking a slightly lame joke about how at least she's not pregnant unlike her.
Also, for someone who made a huge mistake, she's really pushing it with her parents. They're both worried and disappointed in her and she's yelling at them about how they aren't supportive enough and how she should just pack her stuff and move. At that part, I just scoffed and went "really, where are you going to go then?"
She should at least give them time to digest the news, like a week or two, before getting annoyed about the fact that they're not being helpful or supportive at all.
I hate to say this but I honest to God do not like Ally -at the moment, she might be different later on. She's acting like one of those people that I get annoyed with all the time and just want to punch in the face.
Despite all the problems that I have with Ally and what kind of a person she is, all of those problems mean flaws, flaws mean human and human means real. Ally does sound very realistic as a character which is a great thing to have.
Plot: You've got an interesting idea of making the father three different guys, I've never seen that happen before and it'll be interesting to see where you go with the idea. The problem of finding out who the father is can be solved by taking a paternal test to see who matches the DNA or however that's done and bam, problem solved. I'm looking forward to Ally giving the three guys the news.
This is a suggestion you don't have to take it but, I would suggest making this chapter more dramatic. There's no build up to Ally telling her parents, there's no panicking, there's no quick thinking on how to tell them without them blowing up the house or making up lies like "I have a stomach bug." It's just "I'm pregnant," and that's it.
I'd suggest going into more detail about her parents' reaction and stuff like that. I can tell you one thing, my parents would not have been as calm as hers, especially my mom. Personally, I found the part where she told them really anticlimactic. I had expected a lot more than there was.
Flow: You had great flow, the chapter went pretty smoothly but you seemed to go through scenes very quickly and there wasn't much description about them, it was almost like a tour of the house. They felt a little bit unneeded to be perfectly honest. I would suggest fixing grammatical errors that there are throughout the chapter (spelling, proper word usage etc.), it's not they stand out like a giant sign but it's just that I've become so used to noticing them that they just jump out at me.
Also, watch out for punctuation errors that are throughout the chapter as well.
I also noticed that you sometimes slipped up on your verb tense and switched from past to present tense sometimes, I'd suggest watching out for that as well.
I would suggest getting a beta reader because it would be a lot easier and it's always better to have an extra set of eyes looking over your work to make sure that everything is in check.
Reader interest: The chapter was relatively interesting but it was fillery and just slightly slow. Again, in my opinion, you could make it a lot more interesting by amping up the suspense to when Ally tells her parents the big news and such.
I know that this sounds like a really negative review and all but I mean it when I say that this story has a lot of potential and that it is interesting despite what my feedback may have said.
I'm so sorry for all the negative things that I said and I wasn't trying to be harsh, this was just everything that I got from the chapter.
Anyway, that's all I've got to say and again, I'm so sorry for all the negative feedback!
Author's Response: Hey,
Where to begin...
No ones perfect, and it is sort of her fault. Ally is dramatic and she's even more dramatic at times. I don't think it helps that her hormones are all over the place as well. As for the moving out, she'd either go to Dom or Hazel's. Ally likes things to happen there and then, she's a bit impatient.
I can say the same here, mine would so not be calm. I agree I do think it was a bit abrupt but Ally wanted to get it over straight away.
Grammar and spelling are so not my strong point, I'll be sure to try and find a beta reader.
Thank you so, so much!!! This review has been extremely helpful!! As much as I love it when people review they never normally contain constructive criticism so thank you. :)