Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Lululuna says:
Hi there, here for your requested review!!

This was a good beginning to your story, and I definitely think that you should turn it into a short story, or else make it longer as a one-shot. I'd like to know a bit more about your character, such as her interactions with the Weasleys when she goes in to inquire about a job, and what she thinks of the twins.

The descriptions of Diagon Alley and the memories they brought up for your character were really great. I especially enjoyed the descriptions of Ollivanders, and how much Diagon Alley has changed.

I really liked the rhetoric of the Weasleys being involved in your MC's life at Hogwarts, and the mentions to canon events like the Chamber of Secrets opening were really interesting. It helped me to get a sense of your character. So far I think she is well portrayed: I like her voice as a narrator, and she seems very likeable! I would have liked to learn her name and a few more details about her, however. What House was she in? What are her skills and weaknesses? What has she been doing in the three or four years since graduating?

Also, something to consider would be clarifying your character's age and when exactly the story takes place. Since she was friends with Penelope, it would make sense that they were in the same year, and I'm pretty sure Percy was in Penelope's year as well. Percy's last year was in Harry's third year, whereas this character's last year appears to have been in Harry's second year, so you may want to clarify that! :) Ah, explaining what I meant there was so confusing, haha!

I liked how you brought the story back to the Weasleys when she wonders if they will "save" her. I do have a suggestion to make this statement stronger: I think you could go a little deeper into why she desperately needs this job beyond just not wanting to rely on her parents. Did her parents cut her off? Did something bad happen to them? Maybe she's a Muggleborn and is having trouble finding employment in the Ministry or in other typical wizard professions. These are just ideas, but she should seem a little more desperate if she needs the Weasleys to "save" her.

Also, remember to watch out for your tense. There was some switching back and forth between present and past tense here, but this is easily fixed. Personally, I think the story would be strongest in present tense, to create a sense of immediacy and reader engagement with the character's actions.

Overall, I do think this is a good start to a story, and that the future chapters will give you more opportunity to elaborate on your character's background and personality. Good job! :)

Author's Response: Thank you Lululuna.

I have her age being one year above Penelope and Percy. She was a seventh year during the time of Chamber of Secrets. I don't think it's much of a stretch to have friends in a different year.

Next Chapter is when the Main Character, who will remain nameless until the actual interview, will meet the twins and give her resume and I guess life story. But I will tell you that she is a Ravenclaw.

Thank you for the review!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 997
Submit Report: