|Review:||Bobby Dazzler says:|
Hey, how're you going? You requested a review from me AGES ago but I've had nothing but laptop problems, so now that they're HOPEFULLY fixed I leapt at the opportunity to play catch up and you were first on my list, so very sorry about that!
So, first up I have to ask... Was this a one shot, or a prologue? Reason I ask is that I only accept one shots, and if it is a one shot I am completely confused, but if it's a chaptered fic... well, I'm still pretty confused but it might make more sense knowing that the story isn't over yet. So yea, one shot or chaptered?
I'm going to go with the impression that, as I only take on one shot requests, that this is a one shot and review it with that in mind, ok?
So, first things first, a few standout spelling/gramatical errors.
ďCome on now dear, donít play games you donít even understand,Ē he tutted, grabbing my arm and twisting it behind her back, while I struggled in shock. - TENSE CHANGE, reference to "her" arm when it should've been "my" arm.
How could have I? All Iíd ever wanted in life, I was given. - Just included it a bit longer so you knew where I was talking about, but "How could I?" or "How have I?" How it is at the moment is extremely awkward to read.
There are many instances in this story where your sentence structure doesn't flow due to overkill with comma's, so maybe just try reading it allowed with the pacing you've put down for the story, pausing for the commas etc, and you'll see what I mean, rather than getting a beta reader - I don't think you need a full on beta, but that's a handy tip to know :)
Ok, now, the rest... I am confused by this story, trying to work out how it fits together and I'm sorry, but as is, I just can't do it. I couldn't see the flow between the characters, only thing that kind of held them together was the few minor references to the canon next gen characters. Sorry to be blunt about it, but it's true. I was unsure for a while whether it was the same girl, then their names were mentioned or the differences in height etc, and I just got more and more confused.
The scenarios for each three parts were interesting in their own way, I liked the girl from part one, how she was malicious and the one from part three being a Seer and the story behind the disappearance of the Seers, that was interesting, but aside from that, again, I didn't see the flow between the parts, I'm sorry. Hoping your response will shed some light over everything so I better understand it though... Hope this kind of helps? :S Bobby xx
Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review.
This was a prologue and there were 3 different characters (girls) involved in the story.
I understand that it might have been confusing and I'll try to fix that.
Thank you for leaving a review!