Char here with your review from the Forums! The way I end up doing reviews is I start to comment as I go along but then just read to the end, giving you a summary once I'm done. Just to give you some warning.
First impression: Love your "attempt" at a banner, because girl, that's no attempt! That's an awesome banner!
The summary didn't quite make sense. Maybe it was the grammatical "'Cause?" Not sure. Mainly that sentence ('Cause somebody grew up, somebody was not going to be another Peter Pan stuck on his goner Wendy) doesn't quite fit in my mind. Maybe it's because "somebody" is someone that I haven't been introduced to yet? I know it's pretty sucky that I picked on this first, but it's what is supposed to draw the reader in, so I do want to make sure you have a summary that does that.
I DO love the whole Peter Pan metaphor though! And I'm intrigued as to who this story is about as it's all "OC" and "Other Pairing" on the story info!
I do love a story about friends becoming loves.
Who was going to think of parents, and scolding and eventual separation?
Oooh. Some foreshadowing there. Nice.
I sometimes feel that different direction was closer to you.
You switch from past tense to present tense here.
I didn't know if I was nostalgic about old times and your old stupid face,
Weak points about this one-shot is the tendency of run-on sentences and the changes in tense (as above). I'm totally guilty of run-on sentences so I'm not even going to go into trying to specifically point them out. Some of the thoughts could also be stated more succinctly but hey, if it floats your boat, I'm game. Just had to say that.
Now that I've done my job on the cc'ing, I can now squee!
I loved the rhythm of the story. As I was reading, I was like, "I feel like I'm reading a song, but not." And now I know why *reads Author's Note.* You make me want to listen to that song.
OK, GREAT song. No wonder you felt the need to write a story after listening to it. Honestly, even though I was all like "meep-meep-meep" about the run-on sentences and such, the overall style was interesting.
I was looking for a line that I could quote as a favorite or that stood out and was having a hard time because it isn't just a line that gets me, it's, like I said earlier, the rhythm. But eventually I did find a line:
Your last days were like the sand in a time glass, slipping through the gaps in my hands. I couldn't catch it, I couldn't hold onto it.
Wonderful image there.
I would suggest a beta, just to clean up some on the grammar and a few spelling errors here and there.
Otherwise, it was a beautifully told story with the emotion running all over it and pulling me in. His guilt, his regret yet also his love and nostalgia. Love it all.
(And no, no idea who this guy is, which I think is great. Keeps the mystery there.)