Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Jchrissy says:
Review tag! Hi there!

I'm sure someone has pointed this out, but your format is a bit off. I know that probably doesn't seem like a huge thing, but having your first chapter look as clean as possible is a really important aspect of getting new readers. When you update a chapter and your story goes to the
'recently added' list, you'll have people click on it out of curiosity and the odd paragraphs can be a big turn off. I'd definitely suggest either using the 'paste as plain text' option or using the simple editor option.

On to the story! This is a really interest start! AU can be a lot of fun, and I like that you're bringing back so many students we know from Hogwarts!

Having Harry and Ludo as judges together is a really creative idea. I wonder how long until they get on one another's nerves? :P

I'm anxious to see if Rita ends up sticking to her word and writing unbiased, factual articles or if she'll pull the same stuff we know so well.

The competitors being required to sleep out in the tents is an awesome way to show that it really is a competition. Giving them a more rugged living quarters as opposed to the comforts of the castle is a really fun idea!

I do think you could benefit from doing a little more showings vs. telling and really helping us create a mental image. Like here:

Ludo and Harry led the contestants and Rita inside the castle. The students looked around in awe at the castle they learned from. Not a single piece of damage from the final battle was present.

You tell us that they're in awe and that there is no sign of the damage, but what about showing us? If you wanted to do it from Harry's perspective you could do something like:

Ludo and Harry led the group through the heavy doors of the castle, and from behind Harry could hear a chorus of gasps and murmurs. A small smile crept over his lips as he realized what the excitement was about; this was the first time they'd seen the school since the final battle, since the countess hours that had been spent putting the large concoction of magic and wood back together. Harry had been treated to an early peek at it considering he'd been in and out helping Ludo set up, but the beauty of it still surprised him.

So that ^ is sort of what I mean by showing vs telling. Not the best paragraph I've ever written, but you get the idea :P

I do think you're off to a great start on what promises to be a fun story! And I'm happy to see Lavender is as annoying as ever, haha.

Author's Response: Hi Jchrissy!

Thank you for the review. The next couple of chapters should look better. I just made a mistake on the formatting, and fixed it.

I will try to work on the show more, tell less aspect, although the next two chapters have already been submitted and I don't have any changes.

Thank you for the advice and I hope you read more!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 658
Submit Report: