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Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, Elphaba here again! :)

Once again, I really like the descriptive details you include, such as this visualization of Lily and Severus's tree: "Its leaves often formed a trellis that filtered the sunlight into small patches of gold while we would sit in the cool shade reading..." I'd love to see other senses worked into the story. What do they hear? Smell? Taste?

I caught one sentence fragment that I might fix: "It was a long time before he realised this and when he did. A few weeks before our OWL exams began he confronted me about us..." I think on this case I would join the two sentences together.

I really like the confrontation between Lily and Severus, especially: "he tried to put a small coy smile upon his face hiding the rest safely behind a mask he'd recently adopted." Could this be a reference to him learning occlumency?

There was one spot in the dialog that seemed out of character for Severus: "Cos I've been dying to tell you about this new spell-" To me, "Cos" just seems too casual for him, even when he's talking to Lily. I think he would pronounce the entire word.

I love that you worked Petunia into the story. She's so rarely mentioned, yet is important to Lily's development. This line is especially funny: "We both hated the holidays for the exact same reason. Each other."

There was one aspect about Lily's POV that I question: "The guilt I felt was threatening to overpower me." I understand that Lily would regret being so harsh to James after he'd helped her, but considering all the bullying he'd done over the years, I think her feelings about the whole situation would be more conflicted.

The chance encounter between her and James at the end has me interested to keep reading and find out what will happen between them next. :)

Author's Response: Hey again!
So sorry for the late response. Wow I really love this review :) Thank you so much.
I am trying to work in more sensory detail into the chapters but keep editting them out because it just seems so long and distracting. I'll try to find a balance though! Thanks.

Thanks for pointing out the kinks, I will try to iron those out with my next edit.

Haha thanks, I think Petunia is a great character and we shouldn't let our personal feelings about her get in the way of her getting interaction in the story because her past is largely unexplored and it would be interesting to see how she got from Lily's childhood best friend to Harry's horrible aunt. :S At least I think so.

Thanks so much for this wonderful review! I shall return hopefully to your review thread soon :)


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