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Review:nott theodore says:

I'm actually glad I got a chance to come back and read something else you'd written, because I really enjoyed the one-shot you asked me to review the other day; your writing style is very captivating.

As a prologue this works fantastically well. It's only short, but you give the reader enough of an introduction to the story to grip them and raise questions, which of course make me want to read on. I felt like your narrative carried me along with the story; I felt the sheer terror that the narrator was experiencing, combined with her concern for the boy on the floor.

It's obvious that your protagonist has been surrounded by nothing but love throughout her life, and has been raised to believe that she is the best and deserves the best. This makes it even more dramatic when you see the position she is put in - in fear of her life. I have a suspicion that we're viewing the scene from the eyes of Astoria, but I'm not sure if that's something I saw on the forums that stuck in the back of my mind. Either way, although it's too soon to have a proper grip on your narrator, I feel like I've gained a good insight into her thoughts and emotions in what is quite a short piece of writing.

If I was going to be extremely picky, I'd say that some of the speech sounds a little clunky and long. This sentence "Now! Do not stay silent in the presence of the servants of the Dark Lord!" just sounds a bit complicated when you read it aloud - it's not quite natural.

Overall, though, I did enjoy it and I think you've got a very good start to the story here. I hope I get a chance to come back and continue reading soon!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for coming back and reviewing this chapter! :) *blushes at the lovely compliment on my writing style*

I'm really glad you enjoyed the prologue and thought it was effective in raising suspense. I'm a bit worried about it because I feel like the next few chapters are a bit too filler-ish after the exciting prologue, as the prologue itself happens pretty far in the future. Ah, well.

Yes, it is Astoria! :) I gave her a nickname because I wanted her to be identified first as her own person, and second as Malfoy's future wife. I'm really happy you felt like you got a good insight on her, as that was one of the things I hoped would come across!

I find dialogue really difficult to write for some reason!! It's funny, I can write a stream of consciousness without any difficulties but then the moment a character says something out loud it gets really awkward. I do feel like writing on this site has helped me a lot so far, though, and plan on re-visiting these early chapters to polish them up a bit.

Thank you for a lovely review, I absolutely loved reading it. Hope to see you back soon, I'd love your opinion on the transition between the prologue and the first chapter. :)

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