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Review:Jchrissy says:
Hi there!! Sorry for the delay to get to this!

Okay in your review you asked if I like the characters, plot, favorite line and things Iím not so crazy about.

Iím going to start with the plot. I think this is a really interesting idea. Itís clear from that they donít end well, yet they canít help but give it a go. Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. I think that setting Catherine and Dom up at this age also works out well. Theyíre still young enough to make mistakes but old enough to be allowed to make them and learn from them.

I did enjoy your characters, although we donít know much about Aston and Dom yet. There are parts where you tend to contradict what you show. For example--Aston runs away from Catherine at first because he doesnít want to be around a girl after just getting rejected, but then is quickly begging to see her again. I think this is one of those important instances where, as a writer, you need to show us whatís happening as opposed to narrating. Was Aston surprised at her persistence in chasing him, and thatís why he chose to stop and have a conversation with her? If so, you can show that to us through their interactions. Maybe heís questioning her on why she followed him, obviously curious as to what would make her go to such lengths.

The same goes with Catherine. She had no desire to be there, was sick of getting hit on, but then suddenly sheís following him down the road simply because he didnít want her. Again, I think you need to *show* us what makes that change inside of her when most people would simply let him go.

Iím not sure if Iím explaining this the right way. I think an example is the best way to go.

--He started to walk away without waiting for another remark or question from that weird girl, but she didn't want the fun to end just yet.

†"Hey, where do you think you're going?" She started to walk behind him and he ignored her. He had just gotten rejected by a girl he had liked for years, so he did not want anything to do with this strange girl who had really started to creep him out by following him. He didn't bother to turn because he knew he was right, he kept on going on thinking that she would eventually give up and go back. He couldn't be more wrong.

"Hey! Stop!" She was stumbling more and running less, but she was not going to back down, especially not today, because today was all about taking chances. Oh great, I have a stalker now.


These ^ are a few paragraphs where I think we could really use a better idea of whatís happening instead of you just narrating the bare minimum. Adding enough to really give us an idea of whatís happening and sink our teeth into it is a large part of getting the reader invested. Something like:

--He started to walk away, not waiting for another remark or question from the weird girl. But as he turned to leave, Catherine realized she wasnít ready for the fun to end just yet. Sheíd spend all day bored, and been dragged out practically kicking and screaming by Dom. Well, she might as well get a bit of fun out of the night.

ďHey, where do you think youíre going?Ē Catherine asked and started to follow him, getting more and more persistent as he continued to ignore her.

Aston kept his eyes trained ahead, not willing to give his attention to the girl. Heíd just gotten rejected by a girl he liked for years, and right now the last thing he wanted was to deal with any more of their kind. Especially not someone who was following him like a crazed nutter.

ďHey, Stop,Ē she yelled, and he could see her half stumbling half running behind him. Aston felt a serious sense of confusion take over, unable to see why she hadnít given up and left him alone. Brilliant, he thought, I have a stalker now.

Okay, not the best paragraphs Iíve ever written, but you get what Iím saying :P. We really need to understand whatís happening in the story, as opposed to just you narrating what the characters are thinking/feeling.

I loved that you gave us a glimpse into her home life! It was an interesting contrast knowing she came from what seemed like rather dark and stressful home life, but seems like a sweet and caring girl.

I loved that Dom played co-conspirator into getting the two back together! That was a really sweet touch.

Also, the forth section confused me a bit. Maybe clarify what point in time itís happening?

I think this is a very sweet beginning. Iím excited to discover what would be so wrong with these two being together and seeing how that plays out.

I hope this review didnít come off as overly critical or anything! If it did, Iím really sorry but I hope I was able to be helpful!

Oh, and favorite line, I think the one about where she mispronounces Ipods. It was really funny. Oh, also, there were still quite a bit of typos left and punctuation missing from dialogue, so maybe give it another go through? Iím the queen of typos, so I understand how easy they are to miss, haha.

Author's Response: omgg, the length of this review. wow. IM IN LOVEEE
THANKYOU SO SO SO SO MUCH!
this was very helpful.
there is so much to this story. you just hold on tight.
i will surely edit this chapter.
thankyouu
Em


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