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Review:nott theodore says:
This was a really impressive chapter! I didn't see this coming at all, so well done for that! And that cliffhanger that you ended this chapter on is very effective, and I really want to know what's going to happen next.

I really enjoyed the beginning of this chapter with the beginning of the quidditch match; it reminded me of the Quidditch World Cup final. I can imagine the league final being quite similar, although perhaps not as big.

I didn't expect the assassination attempt to happen at the quidditch match. I know I probably should have done, but stupidly I didn't. I thought you wrote your action really well here and the narrative was very fast-paced, which had the effect of pulling me into the action. I'm suspecting now that Naomi is the traitor, but I'm not entirely sure. I really hope that they haven't been successful in their attempt to assassinate Kingsley!

My main criticism here (these things have to be balanced after all, right?) is that some of your sentences are far too long, and they need to be broken up so that it flows better. This sentence, in particular "All of a sudden, what looked like fireworks burst from different sides of the pitch and when the jets of light reached the top of the stadium, they exploded with the sound of a canon and the players of the Chudley Cannons each appeared from the centre of the sparks and they flew into the centre of the stadium where they collided with each other but instead of there being a thud and falling Quidditch players, they exploded with another loud canon like explosion." is the length of a whole paragraph, and you really need to split this to make it more readable.

nott theodore :)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you! I'm so sorry I haven't replied to you sooner but I never thought to check the comments section. Im going to try and answer some of your questions (without spoiling any plot don't worry).
Firstly I know my grammar and presentation isn't perfect. I began writing this story over a year ago and is my first EVER writing project but regardless I know I make mistakes... I just don't always catch them. But, I believe I am getting better :)
Secondly, yes, I know I went into some very OTT descriptions on some of the Aurors but they do play a big role later (Even some that haven't been mentioned yet, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it).

Thanks you so much again for the feedback and I hope you continue to read, enjoy and comment. I'll be uploading quite regularly.
Thanks again

SiriusAura92


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