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Review:nott theodore says:
Hi there!

When I was browsing through the recently added pages I saw that this story didn't have any reviews and I thought you might appreciate some feedback.

I think you have an intriguing idea here. Although I have seen similar stories on this site, I don't think that it is a common enough plot to have become cliche yet, and there aren't as many stories in this genre, either. I like the fact that you've begun the story by establishing the main characters. I'm pleased that I know who they are, because that gives the reader a solid reference point to work from.

There's still quite a lot of mystery in this chapter. The whole meeting and group is shrouded in suspicion and secrecy, which I think is necessary for something like this. The fact that they've captured Lucius Malfoy is also really interesting, because it gives us more of a clue as to the sorts of people who will be involved in this story. I'm curious about who they are planning to kill!

I think your descriptions are really good as well. Your writing isn't overly descriptive but it definitely works, and the beginning captures the reader's attention straight away.

There are some areas I think you need improvement on here. There are quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes that you need to be careful with, or they could interrupt the flow of your story. I'll point out a few of them now:

'"Off course" Selwyn replied.' - this should be of course
'seven people rose and pointed there wands at them' - their wands
'though had lowered his wand' - though he had lowered
'And your supposed to be part' - you're supposed to be part
You also have some commas in the wrong places, so I'd be careful there, too.

One other problem you seem to have is the presentation of your dialogue. Every new speaker needs to be on a new line, because when it is all lumped together in one paragraph it gets quite confusing and it's difficult for the reader to know who is actually speaking at the time. If you did this, the overall presentation of your chapter would look more appealing as well, since large bodies of text can sometimes be a bit intimidating for a reader.

I'm going to carry on reading, and I hope I haven't been too harsh with my criticisms - I just want to help you improve as a writer.

nott theodore :)

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