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Review:Jchrissy says:
Hi darling! Iím here for your review. First of all with your AoC about not knowing how the piece comes across to readers - I think itís really, really heartbreaking. I canít imagine there being much more painful than your spouse of so long not only forgetting you, but disliking you, and I think you got that across really beautifully in this. Your writing as clean and intriguing, and I never had to try and force myself to imagine what was going on so your imagery did itís job.

Starting it through the nurseís eyes was really clever and I loved the way you made it clear where Bill was and why without giving us an ungodly amount of unnecessary information. I did feel like the part where you brought up the Dark Lord was a bit rough. Considering the nurse is a woman who wasnít involved in it, this:

Even in old age, when people began the constant battle against the decay of their bodies and their minds, horrific memories still brought these to the surface. The war was always at the edge of their thoughts: Lord Voldemortís face leered behind every crisp white curtain, the Dark Mark was carved into the beautiful wooden grandfather...

Felt too sudden. Maybe just rewording it so it doesnít seem as matter of fact that the residence would get these thoughts about the dark lord. Something like: when people began the constant battle against the decay of their bodies and their minds, it seemed that horrific memories were the first to surface. Many of the residents from Britain fought against their nightmares about the years that Lord Voldemort had been in power, and often said they saw his face leering behind the crisp, white curtains or the Dark Mark carved into the beautiful wooden grandfather cloth...

Considering so far this story is being told through the eyes of the nurse as she sees her residents, I think that would keep in more in line. It makes it clear the residents think about all this when their minds start losing control, but keeps constant with your later statement that this nurse wasnít alive during that time.

I loved, loved the line that you used as your summary. It felt just perfect where you placed it. One thing I would suggest is adding a page break, either with the line or a * after that sentence. You switch into Billís thoughts at this point and away from the nurses, so this would help break it up and make it clear to the reader that youíre altering something.

I have nothing to CC on regarding your memories that Bill was thinking of about his love for Fleur. The kind of wife she used to be is exactly how Iíd imagined her and it makes it so much more painful to think of how they are now. You switched smoothly from thought to thought, painting us such a clear picture of what their life was like together without over doing. I thin you did a really, really lovely job with that.

This story was incredible engrossing. It made sense and I believe you hit the feelings you wanted to. I can very much see these characters age this way, although we never want to imagine Fleur forgetting Bill. The small details you added, like Billís earring and Fleur blaming him wondering if he took her necklace, all gave the characters plenty to make them feel canon. Aged canon, but canon.

Awesome job, mídear! I hope I was helpful, and good luck on the challenge!


Author's Response: Hello, thank you so much for such a long and thoughtful review!! :) It's so great to get this feedback on the story, and that the mood of the one-shot was very sad which was what I was of course going for! I also thought that the situation would be so sad, especially for a couple like Bill and Fleur who went through so much at such a young age.

I'm glad that you liked how it started through the nurse's POV- I wanted to emulate a little the third-person narrative JKR begins some of the books with, such as her description of the Dursleys at the beginning of Philosopher's Stone, haha. That's an excellent point you've made about the sudden introduction of the Voldy stuff, and I definitely agree and will be editing soon to polish that up. So thank you!! :) This is why reviews are so great, to tell writers things we don't always notice about our own writing!

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, and it's wonderful to hear that you thought it stayed true to canon. Thank you for taking the time to leave me such a kind and helpful review, it made me very happy!!! :D

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