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Review:soapman333 says:
The amount of Quirrel stories I've read? This is the first! Oh geez, I like it.

That challenge you had is certainly a difficult one. So, she gave you words, or did you come up with them on your own? Either way, you had to somehow keep the diction of the piece flowing. You couldn't just randomly stick bigger words in, you had to integrate them as though your character was used to saying them.

Quirrel is a brilliant choice!

I feel bad for saying it, but the work as a whole is well-written with a great idea behind it, I just think the narrative is a bit dull. The story is exciting, but it seems like the focus of the story was on those challenge words, and not on the story.

Gosh, I really like it though!

The flashback was really integrated in a smooth way, and I even enjoy Quirrel's POV. He's not the scared, nervous wreck that we read in the Philosopher's Stone. He's got that confidence that all the students admired in him before Voldy attached himself to his head.

Seriously, wonderful characterisation!

The dialogue for your OC, the bartender's daughter, is a bit awkward. It's not very passionate. You did a marvelous job of depicting her facial expressions and body movements, but her words didn't seem to match them.

Other than those small things, I think that it's an awesome one-shot. Perhaps you can go in an unbold those words? It was a bit distracting after a while. Not that big a deal though.

Oh Quirrel, I hope I can find other stories about him as awesome as this one was :D

Author's Response: Hi, Soapman!! Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond to your review! One thing or another has gotten in the way in these past few weeks. :p

Thank you for liking your first Quirrel story! I really wanted to explore an area that hadn't really been explored, and it seemed pretty viable.

As for the words: Yes, the person who issued the challenge gave me twenty words to incorporate into a story, and one of the requirements was for the words to be in bold. (Just to make sure that we didn't leave any out!) Putting them in bold does seem to detract from the flow, as does the horrid spacing of the chapter! (I meant to apologize about that beforehand... I really stink at formatting!)

It's okay for you to say what you really thought, because constructive criticism is a good thing! Personally, I saw the whole story as kind of bleak and barren, but I can definitely see how it's also somewhat lacking in interesting-ness sometimes. One day I shall edit, and then maybe I can add more color!

Thank you for all of your compliments!! They're super nice, and the criticism is super helpful!

I'll take a look at the incongruencies between my OC's dialogue and body language... I felt awkward writing her, because she was technically speaking "broken" English, but I didn't really know how to put that across without being it totally out-of-place in the story.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for your lovely review! :)

~UnluckyStar57


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