Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:ChaosWednesday says:
Hey there, it's Whiskey from the forums!

Ah, this was great! Cadogan was an interesting choice, and I was happy to find that you still managed to keep Merlin as the main character.

I enjoyed the tone you chose, which is very much in tune with the challenge of writing a bedtime story - simple and fast-paced, yet properly symbolic when necessary. The structure was great, with increasingly difficult adventures that challenge more and more of Cadogan's abilities and morals.

Your choice of words kept a light feel to the narrative while avoiding sounding too modern. You were mostly consistent with this, which was great, but there were a few slip ups with the use of expressions such as "kicked out","payment", "kidnapped" and a few others. They do stand out, so I'd advise you to go over the text again sometime. And there were a few typos here and there that you might want to fix. Otherwize, in terms of style and narrative, I'd say you did a wonderful job!

The story really did have everything that constitutes a fairytale - a hero's path to greatness (symbolized by his acquiring bits and pieces of armour on his way), a magical sidekick, damsels in distress, magical adventures, evil barbaric clans (goblins) and a happy ending. The one thing that I found was slightly missing was a moral - I get it that the story wraps up with Cadogan finally pulling off his own task without much help from Merlin, but it wasn't exactly what I would call a karma twist. Most fairytales tend to conclude with something from the beginning coming back in a new form and laying out the plot in an unusual way. Maybe you could have Merlin discover something new about Cadogan (except that he can kill giants) or about himself, or about Camelot. It could be as simple as him understanding why Cadogan was in Gryffindor and what the benefit of bravery really is...you know, something to switch the tables in their established relationship of teacher and student. It could be something as simple as Merlin's tactic failing on the giants, so he realizes that he is not a fighter, while Cadogan is.
Otherwize, merlin seems really just too all-powerful and it is unclear what his narrative role in the story is except to be grouchy and to constantly help Cadogan not get killed (btw, my favourite task was the first one with the magic lake and the knight being eaten by a fish :3 Although the terrified baby dragon was pretty neat as well). So, unless you were trying to imply that Merlin orchestrated all of this (in which case you would need many, many more hints to make that clear), it would not be abad idea to give Merlin a character arch as well.

So apart from the end coming a bit abruptly and not feeling as wrapped up as one would expect from a fairytale, this was a really engaging read! Characterization, description, tone - all that was all perfect.

Thanks for entering the challenge!

Author's Response: Thanks for having such a great challenge! This was truly a challenge for me, but soo much fun! I felt like I was really stepping out of my comfort zone.

I definitely see what you mean about the "modern" language slip-ups. Hopefully when things calm down a bit for me, I can go back in and edit and fix some things.

I completely forgot about the moral! Maybe I'll try to think of one for when I update it!

Thanks for the review and thanks for the great challenge!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 652
Submit Report: