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Review:Nitra says:
Love it, just want to offer a few ideas/suggestions/ critiques as both a reader and writer.

Perhaps:
-The twist should come out in drips over 2 chapters

- the action should "flash" between the story of the girls and the auruor department in the house.

- albus and Lucy's conversation, would have much more relevance if it is written as if it is taking place at the scene of the crime. This might also make it a bit more dramatic too, ya know the whole "hushed tones in the quiet corner" it might also re-affirm albus' urgency and anxiety to beat that Adam dude, be the best, and help his friend get over the death.

-the discussion between the girls reads like you are trying to tell us the plot, it should be plausible as 'natural conversation' but it isn't

- the discussion between the girls is hard to follow because you're trying to get to the big reveal before you use Cara's name but reading a complex twist without really knowing who's talking or without descriptive language of where they are how the feel it makes it very difficult to follow, however I had a thought that might help with this...

- you should set this big twist in 'real time' (like you did in the first chapter) e.g a short story of cara palmers trip to France, whoever is with her that takes the picture? then the story flashes back to albus picking the photo up if the fireplace. Or as another example the chapter ends with that girl turning up at her door (or however she did it) and telling her that she's not really cara palmer. So we, as an audience, experience past and present in real time.

- I wanted to know straight away ( when Harry announced the death) what Danny was feeling, again that really rich description that you did well in the first chapter. E.g " all air had left his body as if he'd been hoofed by a hippogriff, he had not heard Harry right she couldn't be...dead"...and so on and so forth I explain why I think this is important in the point below.

-make sure you understand the reasons behind writing from a specific characters point of view (POV). Personally I wanted to know how Danny felt, what did he see in her bedroom? what were his thoughts about her? Because the chapter is from albus' POV it took away alot of the emotion and caring about her death, that we should have felt. Danny is the main character, (and because you got the first chapter spot-on) i now care about what Danny cares about, so it's not good to tear the audience away from the main character at such an emotional point in the story...at a point where we could actually learn quite a lot about what Danny is like as a person. And if I get to share the pain of her death with him the shock of her being alive would be much more BAM! Because then, as a writer, you are taking you're audience through an emotional journey/ roller coaster, and that's when an audience becomes loyal and committed to a story; when they are emotionally impacted by it.

The only reason I went to town on this review is because you are a really REALLY good writer and you had a lovely style in the first chapter that I would hate for you to let slide so quickly into the story. I hope you don't think me mean, just some friendly advice. I am very much liking where this is going though! Congrats to you :)

~nitra

Author's Response: Constructive criticism!!! THANKS SO MUCH!!! No I definitely do NOT think that you are mean. I think your review has been the most helpful review that I have ever received in my entire fanfiction writing life, not going to lie!

I'm definitely going to reconsider my next update and edit this chapter because I do think you brought up so many good points that I think I definitely need to incorporate before going on because I don't want to make the rest of the story messy or anything like that.

Thanks SO much, love. This review has REALLY helped me out a lot! I hope you continue reading, and stay tuned for what's to come, and the edits for this chapter! (:

Claire


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