Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:CherryBoom says:
Hi! I'm here for your requested review. =)

Writing Dramione can be quite a tought job. The biggest problem with this pairing is that it requires rather big change in both Draco's and Hermione's characters before their romance can become fully believable. I see that you've already changed their outlook in life before this fic starts, which is one way of doing it.

I personally would have started this story from Hermione's slide to decline, so that it would have made it easier for reader to connect with characters. As it is, since neither of them are very canon like, I hope that you will introduce their back stories more prominently in next chapters. Otherwise I fear that some of the readers might disconnect with this story.

Your Hermione is not very likeable at this point of story. She disses her friends, drinks alone and is generally pretty sad character. Even though you hinted at what has happened to her in the war, it definitely needs more defining. I don't quite buy Draco's character at this point. You've changed him tremendously from canon and it's bit odd that he feels pressing need to explain himself to drunken Hermione, who probably won't even remember their discussion when morning comes. Also Draco's change in outlook would be more realistic, if it came through showing it with his actions, not telling with monologue.

The end part (after your author's note) was definitely too abrupt. Consider rewriting it without forcing Draco to propose quite so early. Let them talk first, connect with each other and only after that start bargaining, if that's what your plot requires them to do in this chapter.

There are still quite a lot of typos throughout this chapter, as well as some missing pronouns, especially in the part where Ron visits Hermione. Also, take a look at the part where Ron manages to avoid the rug again, since I can't found out the previous mention to the said rug. If you need help with typo hunting, you are welcome to PM me.

All in all, I can easily see where you are leading the readers with your story. Think about how you could surprise the readers with some plot twists, or create/deepen the OCs that interact with Draco and Hermione to make your story more original.

With some rewriting I'm sure you will attract more readers to it. Your story flows nicely and descriptions work reasonably well. So once you get the characters right, the rest will come naturally. =)

Happy writing! =)

Author's Response: Cherryboom,

Thank you for taking the time read and review this chapter.

Hermione's actions and behaviors are explained more throughly in later chapters. This first chapter was more to show where they have ended up so far with their lifes. This happens to be my first fanfic I ever wrote and I can agree that Draco is a tadbit bit to far on the soft side but it seems a few people like reading that. I do have other fics where he doesn't change at all in his actions. I think writing grows with us.

I am working on rewriting parts of this story.

Thank you for your time,

Megthechef43


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 787
Submit Report: