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Review:Jchrissy says:
Wow what an interesting AU set up!

I'm going to start with the fact that I got a giggle out of Olivia's name. That's the name I use for James Potter's mum :)! I thought that was fun, since it was your Lily's mum's name.

I love stories that sort of start us off in something normal before bringing the real issue up front. The way you began Severus's day in a very routine manner, letting us adjust to him and building small bits of character trait around his feelings for the house elf were all great.

I enjoyed that you had him not wanting the house elf to be around because he likes his privacy. That felt really 'Severus' to me. And he seems to actually like the little thing now.

I was confused about what was going on (which was probably my fault because I didn't even look to see if it was AU or anything) but by the end I'd managed to work it all out.

Olivia being so terrified and having Severus come look at what was on TV really built up the intensity. Especially when we started understanding what was happening as well.

There were a few awkwardly worded sections. Not many, and I think if you just read this out loud you'll realize what sounds off. It's almost repetitive at times that sort of gives it that feeling. Like here:

--The wall; the wall was bare, Severus noted, compared to the rest of it. Walking slowly to the naked wall, Severus felt something; he felt strong energy radiating from it. As he closed the distance, the energy of it had gotten stronger, and so he believed there something big behind this wall.

I think you were trying to get across the intensity of this and what would come next, but it ended up reading choppy. Rewording it like:

Severus noticed that the wall was bare, housing on decorations like the rest. He felt something radiating from it, almost like a strong energy. As he closed the distance, whatever was creating the energy seemed to be strengthening. He gripped tightly to his wand, preparing for something to be on the other side--

Just something like that to give it a smoother feel :)

This is a really awesome start, m'dear!

Author's Response: Oh thank you! :D

Wow, really? o.O I didn't know that because I never read your story, but as the word goes, "great minds think alike." ;)

Yeah, at some point I was struggling with writing and trying to be a good writer, so thank you for that example. I'm still studying the writers tips from the forums. I know I'd have to make another trip there. :)

Thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^_^

If you really like it, stay tune for the next chappie. 8D lol

-Asphodel

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