Wow, really loved this chapter.
I love the style you're using. The shorter sections all playing into the bigger picture work really well for a murder mystery, and you're really letting that aspect of it come first. I think that you would make a very good detective, m'dear. The way you took us through James's questioning, giving us bits of his dry sense of humor as well as showing us how frustrated he was getting, was really great.
Having Lily sort of intrude upon his problems and make him feel a bit better was a very sweet touch. She didn't say anything huge, just a small reassurance. I think it fit in perfectly.
I LOVE when people go into explanations about how something works. When you had Peter asking the questions and Remus explaining, oh gosh that was gold for me.
Sorry, backing up back to the section before. The way they got around the Aurors was very creative and Marauder-ish. It was simple but highly effective, and I loved James's thoughts regarding them. Again with those bits of dry sense of humor... they're really, really great.
Addressing the students will hopefully make James's job easier after this. Maybe they'll be more willing to cooperate? All I know is that the imagine of Remus just telling Dumbledore, 'He has dandruff,' is going to keep me giggling for the rest of the night. But we know our killer has a scalp condition! That's good, right?? haha!
This chapter as actually one of my favorite so far. And I love that, though you're adding bits of characterization and really giving us an idea of who these people are, you aren't focusing too much on that. I feel like you're letting your murder mystery take front and center, and all the characters are forming very well around that.
You're dialogue punctuation is off, and I thought I'd mention it because it was a few different instances.
So places like this:
--“Brilliant, just brilliant,” James sat down, grabbing a handful of his, thankfully dandruff free, hair.
You would want to have a period instead of a comma. Because, "James sat down, grabbing a handful of his..." stands alone. It doesn't depend on the dialogue.
The same is true for this one:
---“Hi James,” The scent of soap and clean cotton alerted him to the arrival of Lily Evans, though he barely managed a ‘hey’ to acknowledge her presence.
Then places like:
---“Sir,” The boys chorused.
The 'the' would be lowercase because it's relating directly to the dialogue and how they spoke it.
But when I get typing fast I am the queen at screwing this up, so you may already know all this and just had a few typos :P. If that's the case, feel free to tell me to zip my mouth :P.
I really, really loved this chapter. I'm going to get ready for bed then read the next while I'm laying down, so I can review it in the morning :)
Author's Response: Whoa, that was a monster of a review Jami :D
I really really like detective stories and my love for CSI borders and probably falls on the obsessive side :P I think I'd suck as a detective though, I can't even write this properly- trust me, I don't even know who the killer is at this point, his character is still being formulated *hides*
I just had to include some fluffy Jily, we don't want it getting too dark. Plus, Lily's described as a kind woman by Remus, so I've always thought of her as the mother type and I wanted to display that, hence- the Jily scene!
Those explanations are an insight into chemical analysis techniques which would be used IRL. Out of the Marauders, Remus would be the scientist, he's an oddball like that- I mean, what boy actually reads? Having him explain also helps me in science class, if I can explain to my readers through Remus what titrations are, then I'm not going to forget myself during exams :P
Ha ha, I just think that Remus has this kind of blunt humour which I'm going to have fun with :D That speech of Dumbledore's was horrible, I don't think it's long enough- he does call the whole school together to only talk for 30 seconds- but I didn't know what else to say! Hmn, it's possible people will be co-operative but what about the Slytherins and those with underhand motives? They definitely won't be!
I didn't want to add heavy characterisation paragraphs and chapters although that is what these first few ones have been about, as well as establishing the plot. I think it'll be better for me too if I develop my characters as I go on :D
Yeah, I know my dialogue is off, Amanda spotted that out to me a few weeks ago and I haven't had the chance to correct everything :P I'm so used to putting a comma at the end of dialogue if it isn't an exclamation mark or a question mark as opposed to a full stop. We don't do a great deal of OF writing over here in English which is pretty sad, so it's a problem that I've only been aware of for a short period. I'm going to go back and correct it though and if you spot it on in later chapters, don't hesitate to call me out on it :P
I just realised how long this response was, but hey, it was a long review ;)